Rick Snyder’s “One F*cked Nerd Edukashun Primer” (Ch. 1—Skip School. Just Send Kids Directly to Prison.)
by Pete Nicely
Chris Christie gave right-wingers all over America multiple orgasms when he told a teacher from his state that it’s “none of your business” if he sends his kids to private school. Assumed-moderate Rick Snyder would never be so brave in public. But if voters are looking for someone who is crudely insensitive to the needs of his constituents, Snyder is the nerd you are looking for.
Dostoevsky once famously Tweeted, “The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.” And the key question you’d ask while making such a judgment would be, “Can I tell the prisons from the schools?”
Clearly, the agenda of your favorite corporations is to privatize two places that richest people in America will never see: prisons and public schools. General apathy for the incarceration of the poor makes prison privatization easy—just promise to make it cheap and brutal. But to really monetize education, any value that’s exists in public education must be wrest from the grubby claws of the children of those socialists who still dare to attend non-private schools.
And until our schools resemble our prisons, the dream of McEducation will be deferred.
So how do you destroy public schools? It’s easy.
1. Never send your kids to public schools. This is going to be messy and there’s no reason your own family should have to suffer. And to make sure your child only learns the definition of suffering, donate extra money to his or her school on top of the outrageous tuition you pay.
2. Cut funding to public school to pay for tax breaks for the biggest corporations in the state. Slash $370 per student. Do this because you can, because recalling you is too big of a pain in the ass, because you still seem sane compared to other GOP governors who are waging war on the few workers who still have decent benefits and wages.
3. Fire teachers. Don’t worry; you already took care of this with step 2. For every 200 students, one teacher will lose his or her job.
4. Force the good teachers who still have a job start looking for a new career. Destroy tenure, maim collective bargaining and slash benefits. Do this in the name of competition, which you are a master of because you used to run a computer company that may or may not still exist.
5. Make life difficult for any school that promises hope to poor kids. Last thing a kid needs to get at school is ideas.
6. Force K-12 schools to compete with colleges and universities for funds. Why? Why do we throw change at the homeless? To see them dive.
7. Pray for an economic recovery to begin the day after President Romney is sworn in. This is your only hope to complete your 10-year plan to turn public education into another way to help the top 1 percent finance their new homes in Vail.
Honestly, it probably isn’t any of your business where Chris Christie and Rick Snyder send their kids to school. What is your business is what they do with your kids.
And until we recognize that the master plan of the right in this country to destroy public institutions that made us great by turning them into profit centers, we might as well skip school all together and send our kids straight to prisons. Because in this nerd’s Michigan, your child is just another number—next to a dollar sign.
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