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Lanx Satura [Sat-ahyuhr]: (Wet) Dreams of A Comedy Central Roast—Newt Gingrich

by Pete Nicely

The one thing I have in common with the Republican Party is that I don’t like Mitt Romney.  But let’s be honest. Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican’s nominee in 2012. In a political season that’s pitting the good of the 99 percent against the whims of the 1 percent, the GOP is fated to nominate Gordon Gekko—just without Gekko’s charm or consistency.

True, for months, this GOP has seemed insane enough that it might slide down the evolutionary scale in search of a nominee. Sarah Palin then Donald Trump then Michele Bachmann then Rick Perry then Herman Cain and, now, Newt Gingrich. With glee, I noted that anyone from this sub-par roster of America Idiots would barely break Barry Goldwater’s low-water mark of 38.5 percent of the popular vote

But this isn’t an off-year primary, and expecting some delusional outsider like Sharron Angle or Christine O’Donnell (I had to Google “I am not a witch” to even remember that witch’s name) is magical thinking. Unfortunately, even a delusional insider like Newt Gingrich doesn’t stand a chance.

Representative Barney Frank has noted that voters tend not to mind flip-flops if the politicians end up where the base wants them. That’s why George W. Bush has found new popularity in Texas. That’s why Sarah Palin’s reality show was cancelled. And that’s why Mitt Romney will be the GOP nominee in 2012.

Mitt was pro-choice when the first episode of “Two and a Half Men” aired back in 2005.  Six whole years ago, Mitt was still a moderate—going through mental puberty at age 58. Yes, you have iPods older than Mitt’s anti-gun control and anti-gay rights beliefs. But now he’s so firmly inline with right-wing orthodoxy that he probably has duplicate copies of some dog-eared Ann Coulter book on top of all eight-dozen toilets he owns.

If Mitt Romney were a Transformer, he’d change into whatever Pat Robertson wants him to be. And that’s good enough for the GOP, because Romney looks like a young Reagan in a bad TV movie, and he doesn’t constantly humiliate the party on national television.

This is all very bad news for Newt Gingrich, who firmly believes that it is his time to become our Overlord. The man who once said, “People like me are what stand between us and Auschwitz” has delusions of grandeur larger than his Charles Schulz-drawn head.

Newt is, as The New York Times’s Op-Ed columnist Paul Krugman said, a stupid person’s version of what a smart guy sounds like.  He speaks in footnotes and verbally abuses any reporter, moderator or child who will not abet any narrative he’s wandered into. Who wouldn’t be charmed by that?

So why am I so sure Newt won’t be the nominee?

Is it because he has a tendency to let slip insane ideas such as, “child labor laws are stupid?” Nope. That’s the only reason he’s even in the race. His perfidy makes Republicans gush over its obvious lack of empathy. Is Newt doomed because he has spent the last decade as what George F. Will calls a “rental politician,” making millions of dollars and a mockery of democracy by selling his service to any cause that could pay $30,000 an hour? Nope. Republicans love it when their clowns become successful.

If you need the reason that Newt won’t be the Anti-Romney, Google him:

“Scandal” is Newt Gingrich’s keyword. And it’s not plural because Newt Gingrich Scandal is a recognized specialty in the study of political science.

He’s so flawed that Donald Trump’s wig could give him moral guidance.

Okay, that wasn’t a good joke. I was not born to roast Newt Gingrich. I was in college when Newt became the least popular politician since Spiro Agnew.

In the 90s, President Bill Clinton was hiring thousands of teachers and police officers while paying down the deficit with the first tax increase on the rich in a generation. And Newt was the Ronald McDonald of the GOP. I didn’t have time to keep up with his many misadventures. For instance, I had to look up why he was the first Speaker of the House ever reprimanded for ethics violations. This isn’t my subject.

Only one man was born to roast Newt: Bill Clinton.

It’s true that Newt got in this race to sell his bullshit books and DVDs, but now he senses a real opportunity to make some cash and become the first President who could actually have Mt. Rushmore carved into his own giant head. But this too will pass, quickly. As soon as voters compare him one-on-one with the Mormon Don Draper, Newt will sink back to second or third in this race.

So cut to 2013. I’m dreaming President Obama has been reelected along with a Democratic House and a deadlocked Senate. A thoroughly humiliated Newt is now useless as a lobbyist but he still loves money and limelight. Basically, he’s the ideal candidate for a Comedy Central Roast. And who would have to close that roast?

President Bill Clinton, of course.

Let’s go to Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross for the introduction.

“And now for the man who screwed Newt so often that Newt still pays him alimony, the only President to ever declare pussy a vegetable—Bill Clinton!”

Thank you, Jeffrey Ross. By looking at your face, I think we finally understand why Lincoln grew that beard. But if Abe were as short and wide as Jeffrey Ross, I think he might have grown it out ZZ Top style.

It’s a pleasure to be up here with this distinguished dais. Sarah Palin, Herman Cain, Steve O, Mitt Romney, Donald Trump and, of course, Speaker Gingrich. We haven’t seen such a sweaty group of intellects gathered in one place since the third season of “Jersey Shore.”

Now, I’m not necessarily saying that makes you our Snooki, Governor Palin. Snooki occasionally uses protection.

Herman Cain is here. Herman Cain said, “Once you get on the Cain Train, you don’t get off.” Well, we’ve heard from a half dozen of your sexual harassment accusers and watched you finish fourth place in Iowa. So now we know who isn’t getting off.

Everybody welcome, Steve O. Steve, you’re from Jackass but I honestly think you missed your chance to be the GOP nominee for President last year. If there’s anything that speaks to the GOP base, it’s the ability to staple your own nutsack to your thigh.

Speaking of stapling your nutsack to your thigh, Mitt Romney is here. Mitt said that Detroit should go bankrupt. I’d like to tell him what Detroit thinks he should do, but we know how Governor Palin opposes Sex Education.

Speaking of bankruptcy, Donald Trump is here. Welcome, Mr. Trump. Some people think that running for President turned you into a joke. But we all know that happened Melanias ago.

Of course, we cannot forget the man who probably wishes he could go back to being forgotten, Newt Gingrich.

The only man alive who has a more pungent stink of failure on him than Newt Gingrich is Donald Trump. They both have three wives. But Trump declared bankruptcy four times. Newt would NEVER declare bankruptcy. He’ll only imply moral bankruptcy every minute of his life.

But let’s stick to the facts. Newt set up a website during the 2012 to fight the smears, which was nice. Usually Callista leaves fighting Newt’s smears to the night maids.

Newt insists he is a moral man. He firmly believes that marriage is between a man and woman who doesn’t have cancer.

Now, on Newt’s “fight the smears” website, I learned that Newt didn’t actually divorce his wife while she was dying of cancer. The tumor was benign, folks.

Newt has been married three times but we all know that his true love is the sound of his own voice.

Newt loves talking, especially when he can get paid to do it. He earned $30,000 an hour from Freddie Mac and claims Freddie was paying him to be a historian. If Newt’s a historian, Jack Abramoff should win the Nobel Prize in History, right after Bernie Madoff gets the Nobel in Economics and Newt and Donald share Husband of the Century.

But Newt loves revisionist history. He loves taking credit for the surplus I created, even though he said raising taxes on the rich would destroy the economy. And he even wrote a book where the Nazis won World War II. No wonder he called his health care plan “the Final Solution.”

But Newt isn’t just a twice-divorced lobbyist with a Nazi fetish. He’s also the only Speaker of the House in the history of the United States ever reprimanded for ethical violations. He paid $300,000 to settle his violations, which broke his fellow Republicans hearts. Especially David Vitter. You know how many diapers and hookers you can buy for $300,000.

Newt was also having an affair with a staffer while leading my impeachment. As the rest of his caucus was obsessing about Monica’s blue dress, Newt was obsessing on his own caucus. That makes him the world’s biggest hypocrite. But look at that bastard, he’s the world’s biggest everything.

Now, this is the part where I’m supposed to say I really love Newt, but it doesn’t take a historian to see the only thing I love about the guy is how easy is to hate.

He’s Dick Cheney without the shotgun.  He’s Boss Hog without the snazzy white suit. He’s an albatross on American politics, and that’s something that any historian who earns in one year what Newt does in two hours will be glad to verify.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. And on behalf of the child laborers everywhere, a very sincere f— you to Speaker Gingrich.

Pete Nicely roasts all of the GOP candidates on Twitter as @LOLGOP 

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Short URL: http://www.a2politico.com/?p=11370

24 Comments for “Lanx Satura [Sat-ahyuhr]: (Wet) Dreams of A Comedy Central Roast—Newt Gingrich”

  1. The best spoof of Newt Gingrich is found in his own doodles (http://www.slate.com/slideshows/news_and_politics/gingrichs-doodles.html#slide_1 )….

    Gingrich—Primary Mission

    —Advocate of civilization
    —definer of civilization
    —Teacher of the rules of civilization
    —arouser of those who form civilization
    —Organizer of the pro-civilization activists
    —leader (possibly) of the civilizing forces.

    He’s only running for president because the position of God isn’t available.

  2. cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche- if cliches were water you could ditch the passive collection system

  3. “His perfidy makes Republicans gush over its obvious lack of empathy.”

    Sigh…that was beautiful…

  4. Newt insists he is a moral man. He firmly believes that marriage is between a man and woman who doesn’t have cancer.

    ^that is comedy gold.

  5. [...] interesting how the Republicans moral compass seems pretty lax when it comes to their own. Heres a nice satire of Mr. Gingrich and a highlight of his moral misdeeds. Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe [...]

  6. Clinton isn’t just a man who cheated on his wife with a college intern and lied about it in court. He’s also been involved with several scandals including Whitewater and some controversial end-of-term pardons.

    It swings both ways — you will have an easier time finding a needle in a haystack than an innocent politician.

  7. guys, chill out, in many ways, he is the perfect candidate:
    let the unsuspecting clown hope his way back up to the brightest spotlight and then, while everyone is watching, serve him the meanest dirtiest campaign in history with non stop superPAC attack ads about him divorcing his sick wives while filling his lobbyist pockets at FN & FM, and don’t forget how he discovered his softer side on immigration for the maximum lulz.
    he is weak and vulnerable, this is in fact a great occasion to finish him off, I can’t wait.

  8. Beware the Gingrinch, the jaws that snap, the teeth that tear…
    That shifty, thin, twisted smile through little sawed-off teeth framed by aggressive self-important jowls and topped by a conspiracy of two little pig-like eyes…what’s not to love?

  9. It’s easy to see when the left is getting nervous … they start name calling instead of talking about the issues. I’d pay money to see Newt debate Obama on the issues … what a beating Obama would take … even with his teleprompter.

  10. Leave Newt alone. For good or bad, he utilized his position as Speaker more effectively than any other in history. The only reason others weren’t reprimanded was because they were little more than figure heads. Gingrich was a leader.

  11. Now, I’m no fan of Newt, but I don’t think it’s fair to judge him for being twice divorced. Politician’s shouldn’t be judged by their personal lives.

  12. I’m not a Newt supporter, but those ethical violations were very minor. It just consisted of tax-exempt status for a college course that was actually political in nature. And twice divorced? Why should I care about that, unless he’s running for the office of marriage counselor…

  13. Conservative and American Independent here:
    Before you downvote, hear me out.

    I support Gingrich’s stance on foreign aid and taxes. I certainly acknowledge his faults, and definitely dislike his view on social issues, but I think he is one of the better candidates in the field of bad candidates. I would definitely prefer John Huntsman, and maybe Mitt Romney. Obama would definitely take a very close 4th (in my view).

  14. Obama’s election team is on its knees praying “let Gingrich win the primaries, let him win”. Gingrich is the one from the flock easiest to shoot down. Ron Paul would be the hardest if he ever could win more support, Romney would also be a problem. Everybody else would be a mere nuisance, but with Gingrich it would be shooting fish in a barrel with a machine gun.
    This man could get elected as speaker of the House since there is no transparency in this, all muddy back room deals. But broadcast his personal history into the homes of 100 million people and he’s dead in the water from day one.

    So, let’s rather talk about Romney, aka “the only person standing between the GOP and them having to nominate Ron Paul”.

  15. If we’re pointing fingers, Clinton was the only Democratic president in the history of the United States to have been impeached.

    Pelosi (As speaker) also implied we had to pass the health care bill to see what was in it (there are numerous videos of her stating this).

    And before any Clinton defenders reply, Impeachment is the acting of bringing charges upon someone. He was merely not convicted.

    Door swings both ways.

  16. In his defense, he was turned into a newt by a witch.

  17. Who cares if he’s divorced? That’s a silly criticism.

  18. So … being twice-divorced makes you evil?

    • Yes. Anymore dumb questions?

      • George Anderson

        Yes, one more. How dumb do you have to be to answer
        the question that way? I’ll spare you the effort to
        think of the answer. The answer is that you have to
        dumb enough to be a Libtard.

  19. He violated congressional rules by using tax-deductible money for political purposes and then lied to investigators about it. He tried repeatedly to use tax-deductible donations to help promote their political goals. His connection into groups that could take tax-deductible donations was integral to his ultimately successful plan to wrest control of the House from the Democrats. He was ordered to pay $300,000.

  20. I work for Bank of America and we had FNMA and FHLMC reps speaking on his behalf about the current state and predictive outcomes every 10 years with Newt Asshole at the helm giving them “consulting advice”….

    They want the bubble collapse to happen every 10 years. Whatever “evil” you do… Pray to satan, fuck goats, sacrifice children… It won’t meet anywhere near as evil as this man. Don’t vote for him if you like keeping your home. Why do I call this man evil? Because he is currently taking a multi-million dollar salary during the housing economic crisis. It’s being paid by FNMA and FHLMC.

    Those assholes in FHLMC and FNMA don’t care every time they come into our building. They come with consulting advice straight from Newt… He assists in consulting for much of their actions… When they come into my building they ask to sit side by side with some of my employees that I manage. They make jokes about financially troubled people and try to convince everyone working the phones that you all aren’t legitimate people and that you will lie cheat and steal your way into keeping your home.

    FHLMC stands for Freddie Mac and FNMA stands for Fannie Mae in-case you did not know. They are investors. You know those big banks like Bank of America, Chase, Wells Fargo? Well they are the lenders, meaning they don’t own the loan and dictate the terms, your investor does the majority of the time. Your lender merely enforces it.

    Be aware of this man. He is one of the spineless influences in those two major corporations that breeds assholes intent on turning profits from the woes of the people. I’m not even an occupy protester nor am I doing this so any certain candidate can benefit this in the 2012 presidential election, just for the love of our own backs /r/politics do not vote for this man.
    Also, I know he probably isn’t that popular on here, just I have to get it off my chest.

  21. melanias?

    • @silas brock I know. Melanias. I edited it out originally, and then realized that Pete was playing with words in a very clever way. I’ll give you a hint: he’s spoofing the word that means “thousands of years” in LATIN and SOUNDS like Melanias. Anyone? Anyone? More Lanx Satura from our Rex of Lanx Satura.

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