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Deliverance: 411 on the 313—Congress Proclaims Americans Have a “Constitutional Right To Fast Food”

by Warren Liverance

For the majority of my life I have watched, helpless, as the Wizards of Smart and the compassion fascists have experimented with American society and government. Welfare, Social Security, ADC, Medicare, Medicaid, Head Start, Homeland Security, HUD, HEW, HUBBA HUBBA, and a host of other federal intrusions with no basis in the Constitution,  have been conjured and foisted upon us. We are always told to judge the good intentions, not the disastrous results. Even as many of these programs have been proven ineffective, if not outright destructive, they continue to exist, and like Dracula, suck the country’s life blood away.

What I propose is that each new attempt at “fairness” (I don’t know about you, but my parents taught me that life isn’t fair) be subjected to gedankenexperiment. For those of you with little mathematical/scientific background, like most Obama voters, gedankenexperiment is “an experiment that considers some hypothesis, theory, or principle for the purpose of thinking through the consequences.” Given the structure of the experiment, it may or may not be possible to actually perform it, and, in the case that it is possible for it to be performed, there need be no intention of any kind to actually perform the experiment in question.”

While I abhor the actual experimental tinkering that our public masters do, it is fun to think of the unintended consequences that might occur from the implementation of one of their schemes. What follows is purely fictional, if not a bit frightening. For those of you that are confused, a quick read of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie will help.

WARNING!!    WHAT FOLLOWS IS POLITICAL SATIRE!!   DO NOT PANIC!!

McDonald’s restaurants deliver clean tasty food, at a reasonable price, to millions of satisfied customers. Thousands of young people have their first working experience there and learn about promptness, customer service, and basic kitchen and counter skills. The owners pay millions of dollars in taxes to all levels of government. They are, at the local level, a shining example of the efficiencies of the free market.

Certain politicians, wishing to deflect the Press from the latest Congressional scandal, (insider trading anyone?) decide that McDonald’s is the perfect target. It occurs to them that not everyone has the means to afford this “All American Treat.” They decide to proclaim a Constitutional “right” to fast food. The government, at the federal level, decided to make sure that all Americans are protected from “fast food disenfranchisement.”

The President’s chief adviser, David Axelrod, whips up a Facebook and Twitter campaign that demonizes McDonald’s for making obscene profits through the “foodsploitation” of America’s youth in “fast food sweatshops.”  This has the effect of mobilizing the population in the 100 or so counties that vote 90 percent Democrat. While this accomplishes the administration’s goals, it has the inadvertent effect of depriving the locals of access to said tasty treat.

The corporate leaders of McDonald’s, in a flash of brilliant insight, realize that they should have been donating equally to both parties and immediately donate millions to the DNC. McDonald’s Executives, including Ronald McDonald, quickly arrange for secret meetings with several Obama czars (Russian for Caesar) and frantically attempt to cut their losses by swinging a deal. The Obama administration is only too happy to make them, “an offer they can’t refuse.”

Out of this mud puddle comes the “Public Fast Food Option.” Under this plan, the 45.5 million Americans who use foodstamps are given cards allowing them to avail themselves of McDonald’s, at no charge.

Representative Nancy Pelosi calls a press conference after “winning” a House vote 216 to 219. She declares that all hard-working Americans may now avail themselves of their “Constitutional right to fast food.”  Railing against the racist, sexist, homophobic Republicans who always stand in the way of the working poor achieving the culinary American dream, she has to be led away for multiple McScotchandSodas. In the Senate, three elderly members are injured when they mistakenly get between Senator Chuck Schumer and a camera during a press conference denouncing the Senate Republicans.

Several hours before the new law guaranteeing all Americans access to the “Public Fast Food Option” goes into effect, every McDonald’s in the country has a ten block long line of Americans clamoring for their free fast food. By mid-afternoon there’s not a single French fry in sight, and the rioting begins. On the six o’clock news shows, it is reported that fifty percent (CNN), sixty percent (MSNBC), seventy percent (Rachel Maddow) and eighty percent (Stephen Colbert) of the McDonald’s in America are immolated.

At eight o’clock President Obama pre-empts the three national networks and gives a speech, in which he calls for order, and nationalizes all the McDonald’s restaurants in the United States. He then proclaims the company “too big to fail” and guarantees $20 billion in federal support (just as soon as the check from Bank of America clears). The Obama administration immediately fires all current teen and elderly employees and apportions the new hires according to their connections to Acorn, ALEC and George Soros.

The destroyed restaurants reopen after being rebuilt with money apportioned by Congress, at a cost of $50 million dollars per unit. The recently appointed executives award themselves gigantic bonuses for their record cost-cutting measures. The new McDonalds’ feature large waiting rooms with dozens of comfy chairs for the people waiting for their free food. The single counter person and two cooks in most of the franchises are recent immigrants who don’t speak English well. The fact that they cannot be fired due to their “protected status” as government employees further enhances the dining experience.

After several years, the O’Donalds (renamed in the federal take-over) chain is losing billions of dollars, in spite of massive government subsidies. Even the millions of dollars spent on public service announcements extolling the patriotism inherent in spending money at O’Donalds cannot entice taxpayers to experience “fine government dining.” To insure the survival of this slice of the American dream pie, Congress passes the “Privileged European Origin” tax. This consists of a 12.5 percent surcharge levied on all income derived by American citizens, who because of privileged ancestry, have benefited from the fruits of the labor of repressed minority groups.” New York’s 400 families and Elizabeth Warren move, en masse, to Canada in protest.

The historic “Privileged European Origin” tax excludes Hollywood celebrities, Silicon Valley moguls, union members, Jews, and gays, due to their propensity to fund Democratic candidates.

The end result of this meddling by the Wizards of Smart is the same as it has been for well over two hundred years: Once again, those who refuse to learn from history force the rest of us to repeat it.

Einstein defined insanity as, “repeating the same experiment over and over and expecting different results.” Political utopians have been experimenting with the ability to “mold” human nature for two hundred years and the result has been the deaths of a hundred million innocent souls. It may be that the mental health process is superior to the political process in dealing with political ideologues.

Anyone have a white coat and a straight jacket, or maybe an order of large fries and a Big Mac? 

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