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Lanx Satura: [Sat-ahyuhr] LiveLOLing the Florida Republican Primary

by Pete Nicely

Far too rarely does the Republican Party get exactly what it deserves. It happened in 1964. It happened in 2008. And it’s going to happen, in a way, today in Florida.

Mitt Romney is the epitome of modern Republicanism in three ways: 1) He has no sincere beliefs except that he should be in power; 2) He goes to untenable extremes to appease the tax and religious fundamentalists who are pulling the party so far to the right it needs mirrors to watch movies; 3) He had no ability or willingness to empathize outside of his own experiences, even for his dog.

Just look at Mitt’s tortured flip-flopping on immigration to get a sense of how desperate he is to conform his views to his base. He even pretends to listen to Hank Williams, Jr. and Ted Nugent.

The fact that Romney was pro-choice when George W. Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” might trick some people into thinking he may one day become reasonable again. They’ll ignore the fact that he’s promised to defund Planned Parenthood and overturn Roe v. Wade (and may have the opportunity to do so) because exactly 10 years ago he was still running on the pro-choice credentials of his mother.

It’s fool’s logic. Here’s why:

The only way Mitt Romney could be more hated by the Tea Party is if his dad were born in Kenya. Because he wasn’t so there is a slight chance that they’ll ignore his Obamacare-creating, pro-choice, pro-gun control, tax/fee-raising record and vote for him in November.

If Europe self-destructs and the economy tanks, Mitt could be elected, despite a lack of enthusiasm from the base. If he does take the White House, he’ll be facing a Greater Depression along with unprecedented pressure to carry out the austerity he ran on. He won’t be able to carry out massive cuts without destroying his presidency. So what will he do to appease his base?

Culture war. He’ll take on the groups the bullies in the right always take on: gays, women who aren’t ready to have babies and unions. This will be his only hope of getting the GOP’s base to the polls in 2014 and avoiding a primary challenge in 2016.

Even my imagining this scenario makes Canada want to build a border fence…but it could happen. Fortunately what’s more likely is that as the economy improves, Mitt’s nomination will spark a near-civil war inside the Republican Party.

The non-reality-based Republicans will battle the Republicans who pretend to be non-reality-based.

At the Republican National Convention, Newt and Tea Partiers/Ron Paul supporters will embarrass the party like drunken husband at a baby shower. The GOP will win more seats than it deserves and the President will be reelected easily. The lesson for the GOP, as always, will be: we were too moderate. And further to the right, they will go, until eventually, I pray, they’ll lock themselves inside their gated communities for good.

I’ll be liveblogging the results of tonight GOP primary in Florida. Check back in through out the day to find out if the Republican Party gets what it deserves.

*****

1:21 p.m.

BREAKING: Mitt Romney could have lost the Florida GOP primary.

He won’t but he could of. Why? Mitt tried to cut kosher food for Medicaid patients in Massachusetts. He was stopped by his state legislature. But he tried. Gingrich using the story in robocalls but image if Mitt had to answer for this in the debates. Cutting kosher foods for the elderly is crazy unless his CPU runs on complaints.

Because of this late breaking development, I’m still calling the Florida GOP primary for Mitt Romney at 12:33 PM. But I’m predicting he’ll only win by 9 points.

Yes, Florida thinks Mitt Romney is the best man to cut their Medicare and deport their undocumented college students.

*****

2:49 p.m.

The narrative that Romney lacks integrity resonates because Mitt Romney doesn’t seem to be very smart. And he still got very rich somehow.

How can I say Mitt Romney isn’t very smart? Easy. He’s basically kept Newt’s campaign alive.

The joke about Gingrich is that he didn’t really want to be President and he was just running to up his book sales and his day rate. I don’t buy that. I’m sure Newt thinks he’s destined to lead the free world. Still, he was completely willing to lose if he was beaten in a way he perceived as fair. But Romney savaged Newt in Iowa. And it worked. He savaged him in South Carolina, too. And it didn’t work.

In Florida, Mitt had to be strong in the debates. But did he have to use every stump speech to personally attack Newt 30 seconds in? All he did was beg Newt to stay in to the convention, as he keeps saying he will. (Though maybe he doth protest a bit too much.) That’s good for Santorum whose corporate masters will let him stay in to keep Newt from enjoying a one-on-one race. (No, Ron Paul doesn’t count, though he’ll win quite a few delegates in the caucuses.) And it’s terrible for Mitt.

I can’t think of anyone who can get Newt to drop out if he doesn’t want to. The man is rich and commands his own chunk of the party no mater what the Bushes, Kochs or Murdochs say. And the only way to Newt’s heart is through his MASSIVE ego, which Mitt has desecrated like the wall outside a Veterinary hospital.

*****

3:48 p.m.

If Sarah Palin wanted to help Newt this week, she should have endorsed Romney.

*****

4:45 p.m.

Okay, calling Mitt dumb is dumb. There are smart people running these campaigns, somewhere.

The GOP won 2010 on Twitter and Facebook in a landslide. They’re aiming to do the same thing again this year. Check out this social media guerrilla warfare coming from Newt’s camp. You could even win a trip on Newt’s bus the “The Straight-Marriage Express.”

*****

5:45 p.m.

As we wait for the inevitable, Mitt winning tonight, there’s only one question: How mad will Newt be? By this, we’ll get a hint of what the month before Super Tuesday will be like. So a quick digression:

I spend a great deal of my life busting Republicans balls on Twitter, whether they have them or now.  Very rarely do I get extreme hostility and when I do, I just curl into the fetal position. After 45-50 seconds of that, I’m back calling out conservatives for trying to conserve all the wrong shit.

What have people been right about? When have I gone too far?

Comparing ex-crackheads to Republicans. Most ex-crackheads are too smart to vote Republican.

I felt a little bad when people were offended by my suggesting that Newt wanted he and Mitt both to call Nancy Reagan’s name. Whoever she went to would win. People didn’t like me comparing a woman to a dog, even if I was suggesting Newt was doing it.

My rule is, the more sensitive the target, the better the joke has to be. Being a progressive, I’m happy to conform to people sensitivities. But I’ve got try to make the joke. If it doesn’t work, I’ll just pretend I never said and refuse to apologize for it. Just like Mitt Romney.

*****

6:26 p.m.

ISSUE BREAK:

Can someone show me where in the Bible Jesus asks for more unplanned children?

The war on Planned Parenthood must a plot by the right to turn off any reasonable person to this Republican Party. This used to be a bi-partisan issue. Barry Goldwater was a champion of Planned Parenthood.

Now it’s just another wedge issue that the right can use to shame anyone who dares insist that government shouldn’t regulate a woman’s uterus.

****

6:44 p.m.

Wow. Exit polls have Mitt at 49%. If it’s that much of a landslide, Newt will have a hard time staying in.

****

7:15 p.m.

Big lesson of today’s primary: Negative ads work if you have two broken marriages and 15 years of lobbying for government spending.

****

7:35 p.m.

How convenient. Newt conceded before the polls closed. We can all go watch DVRed episodes of Project Runway: All Stars now. 

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