I paddle my kayak regularly from Bandemer Park, the site of a Punk Week gathering that made big news in this town of ours. I wasn’t there the afternoon the Ann Arbor Police Department car responded and the officer found himself out-numbered. Of course, given the fact that there are only 5-7 officers patrolling the entire town on a given day, with a single patrol car cruising Charlie Sector (the part of town in which Bandemer is located), the officer inside the patrol car would have expected to be out-numbered. That’s why the officer called for back-up. There was chicken on the grill and swimming going on at Bandemer. Someone was, perhaps, even swimming without the benefit of a bathing machine. The delicate Victorian sensibilities of some passerby at Bandemer that afternoon were offended. Evidently, the police showed up because some local prude had dimed out the Punk Week rabble gathered at the park.
Here’s the Ann Arbor definition of Punk Week:
That’s when a 25-year-old woman puts in her earbuds, turns up her iPod, and pays AATA to haul her from Ypsilanti to Ann Arbor to some low-paying job for some high-earning bugie business owner who lives in Pittsfield Township.
Oh, sorry. Our punk should not be living in Ypsilanti. She should be living in some ramshackle Ann Arbor rental house owned by Dan Pampreen with 15 other Gen Y punks. The house will have been last inspected by City inspectors when Old Hickory was president. (Being super-tight with Fifth Ward Council member Carsten Hohnke has to have some perks, doesn’t it?) Our punk will be hopping on one leg, dying to rent “work force” housing brought to her by local developocrat Alex de Perry or the develop-beard Avalon Housing that will be, they promise, swear to Dog, the shit (not to be confused with shitty). After all, if they’re not working for Google billionaire Sergey Brin for $40K per year, or waiting tables for $30,000 per year at some downtown restaurant owned by Downtown Development Authority authority Roger Hewitt, or the fine folks at Main Street Ventures, what the hell good is a Gen Y punk? Heck, what good is anyone who’s not white (or who talks white really well), upper-middle class, and who feels virtuous that they’re over-filling their single-stream recycling container every single week?
Wake up and smell the idea that Ann Arbor is an urban center distinct from Detroit (or so goes the fantasy). That, after all, is the goal of the present batch of politicos in office. That’s why we desperately need a convention center. Second Ward Council member Stephen Rapundalo is the MichBio CEO about town, and he does natter on about the fact that there’s no place is this God forsaken berg to host a conference with 500 attendees. Really? I think what he means is that there is no Ann Arbor taxpayer-direct subsidized place to put on a conference with 500 attendees. No matter that the Michigan League has ample space to host a meeting with 500 attendees and then some.
In a post from December 2009, I wrote:
As expected, the conference center proposal from Valiant Partners closely follows the proposal that was secretly circulated and pitched by City Administrator Roger Fraser to City Council members in January 2009 at the City Council’s retreat.
The proposal includes two letters of recommendation from University of Michigan deans. The first is Dr. James O. Woolliscroft, MD, Dean. Is it me, or does his letter of “endorsement” sound like it was written while sitting under a naked bulb with water boarding apparatus nearby? The two sentence (seriously, two sentence) letter says, “A conference center that will allow Ann Arbor to host large events is desirable, and I support efforts to make this reality.” Replace “conference center” with bawdy house, and we have a space to meet Dr. Woolliscroft’s needs, n’est pas? The other “endorser” was the Dean David C. Munson, Jr., Dean of Engineering. “We have a strong need for a space for plenary sessions with 500 participants and break-out sessions of 75 participants,” writes the Dean of Engineering. Oh, it should be “centrally” located, as well. Yo, Dr. Munson, the Second Floor Ballroom at the Michigan League holds 500 nicely. In fact this handy room capacity document shows that the Michigan League has all the space for which Dr. Munson says Ann Arbor has a “strong need.” Thus, why he “strongly endorses the need for a conference center” remains a mystery….or not.
We need more conference attendees in Ann Arbor, not Gen Y punks. Wait, what about brainy Gen Y punks who attend conferences? Well, all the brainy Gen Y punk grad students are at the Modern Language Association conference in ______________ (fill in the name of a fun, large, metropolitan area that Ann Arbor will never be able to compete with). They’re wearing impossibly small glasses, fretting about post-deconstructionism, and attending guerilla workshops on what to do when your thesis advisor repeatedly hits on you (Hint: sexual harassment charges are tiresome and bad for one’s academic career, that is the academic career of the individual who levies the charges).
The not-so-brainy comments at AnnArbor.com from the site’s devoted readers who live in Howell, Brighton, Dexter, Chelsea, Saline and out-of-state were full of reasons why punks are unwelcome in Ann Arbor. Punks smell. Punks do drugs. Punks listen to music in public. Punks swim naked. Punks grill chicken without a permit. Punks look unkept. Punks are dirty. Punks are not gainfully employed. Punks are, well, punks. I’m really not sorry to have to burst the bubble of so many small-minded individuals at once, but the above complaints apply to just as many tenured faculty at the University of Michigan as they do to the Gen Y attendees of the impromtu Punk Week festivities. There’s a physics prof at U of M with a wicked reputation amongst the librarian folk as an individual not to be trifled with unless one has a completely stuffed up nose.
The Bandemer Park Punk Week dust up was proof positive that Ann Arbor is becoming a community the likes of which we last saw in that Ira Levin book. Ann Arbor is no more a Midwestern bastion of progressive liberality, where creative thought and actions are embraced, than is Pyongyang. The AAPD has launched an internal investigation thanks to a complaint filed shortly after eight people were arrested for “resisting officers” on Sunday August 15th. The police charged the people with refusing to leave the park. Maybe Ann Arbor’s mayor should just adopt the tactics of Dearborn’s segregationist hero Orville Hubbard. For decades under Hubbard’s “Keep Dearborn Clean” campaign, non-residents were barred from the city’s parks, pools and recreational facilities. Non-residents could be tossed out of parks by police in Dearborn, just as the AAPD officers tried to toss out non-residents from Bandemer Park. How would the Dearborn police identify non-residents? The same way the AAPD identified the Punk Week participants. They were the people who looked “different.”
As usual, on AnnArbor.com, just as we saw in the old Ann Arbor News, we hear absolutely not a single peep from the Mayor and City Council members save a comment that, maybe, “permits” need to be issued the next time punks want to grill chicken and swim in the Huron. Then again, when the political shitzu hits the fan, we don’t have elected politicos in Ann Arbor. We have a head-less horseman whose job it is to scare the locals into staying inside unless they pay for a permit. The local news outlets sweetly perpetuate this myth by failing to point out that the Chief of Police answers to the Mayor and City Council. Chief Barnett Jones, after all, went before Council and assured everyone that the AAPD could handle policing with a force that has been severely reduced.
Now, drive your Volvo/Subaru/Prius to Bandemer Park, throw some $20 per pound, free-range, organic chicken on the grill, strip to your 100 percent organic cotton skivvies, hop in the river, and imagine the AAPD responding to a disturbance the size of the one at Bandemer Park times 10 or 100. Stop screaming. No one can hear you. No one wants to hear you. Repeat after John Hieftje: “Crime is down. Crime is down. Crime is down. Crime is down.”
I was told by AAPD police officials that our police department simply won’t ever be able to respond to any kind of a large disturbance. Of course, voters re-elected a mayor who assured them that if crime ever goes up (as if crime is a generic noun) he’ll look into beefing up the police force. Will that be before or after you or someone you know gets assaulted, I wonder? Well, if the Bandemer Park fiasco demonstrates one thing quite clearly it should be that it won’t be a little old crime spree that obviates the need for more than 5-7 patrol officers on duty during any given day.
As for the Gen Y punks, professionals, plebes and poseurs, they need to get a clue and realize that the new urbanista Boomers in Ann Arbor—this Mayor and Council—don’t welcome change or Gen Y with open arms. Our little slice of Ira Levinville craves and obsesses about well-behaved, well-mannered, well-heeled “young professionals,” who will bend over, smile and support the well-connected, well-mannered (at least to your face, mostly), much better-heeled business owners, local developers, and local politicos.
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