by P.D. Lesko

The Ann Arbor Police were called to the Ann Arbor Workantile on Tuesday afternoon. The AAPD officer arrived promptly on Thursday to find AnnArbor.com government reporter Ryan Stanton and AnnArborChronicle.com editor David Askins and his wife, Mary Morgan, toe-to-toe in a heated argument over what one officer described as “long yellow object that looked much like a pencil.” Stanton, who’d cemented a disputed AP reporting award to the passenger side window of his car, had been cruising slowly back and forth in front of the large window of the Workantile, where Askins had been writing up a lengthy piece about the “importance of being earnest and contemptuous” all at the same time.

According to the Police Report leaked to A2Politico by no fewer that 135 sources, or virtually every officer still employed by the City of Ann Arbor, Ryan Stanton began honking his horn and singing the MC Hammer hit  ”U Can’t Touch This” loudly enough to be heard inside the Workantile. Stanton, dressed in a wife-beater and chinos, then stopped his car and began bellowing, “Assssssssssskinnnnnnnnnns!!!!!”

Mary Morgan, who had not been at the Workantile that day, told the officer who responded to the complaint that she’d won her own AP award (which no one had ever asked to be “reviewed”) and in fact was outraged that the AP regional Director, Eva Parziale, was not returning the “several dozen” messages Morgan had left her regarding Stanton’s flawed award-winning piece on response times of the AAFD.

AnnArbor.com deposed Kontent King Tony Dearing flew in from New Jersey, where he was transferred months ago (a change only recently reported on by AnnArbor.com, however), to defend Stanton in a 3,000 word “edisplanation.” In it, Dearing claims the Askins/Morgan Gang is trying to railroad Stanton and embarrass AnnArbor.com into admitting there were “mistakes made. I am not a crook,” writes Dearing, quoting disgraced former President Richard M. Nixon for some unknown reason.

Daddy Dearing goes on to write: “I am here (well, not here, but was here until I wasn’t anymore) to set the record straight. I love New Jersey. What Ryan wrote is 100 percent accurate, and AnnArbor.com stands proudly by every third or fourth word. It’s simply ridiculous to think that a major media outlet such as AnnArbor.com that has grown under my leadership to reach 200 percent of adults over and under the ages of 18 in Washtenaw County should be expected to answer fabricated fabrications.”

While disentangling his glasses from his beard, Askins told the officer that Stanton had come into the Workantile, car window in hand, and taunted the AnnArborChronicle.com editor. Sources at the Workantile couldn’t agree on what happened next, but it would appear as though Stanton touched Askins’s pencil. Incensed, Askins had grabbed a bike glove and given his competitor a sharp slap across the room— while remaining seated. A shoving match ensued, with both men taping each other with their respective iPhones.

Stanton told the officer that Askins was “chronicling” the story “all wrong, Dude.” He (Stanton) claimed to have “recorded” himself not entering the Workantile. Instead, Askins had come out of the building spoiling for a fight.

Evidently, at this point a large crowd of local rubber-necking journos had gathered, made aware of the kerfluffle between Askins and Stanton via Twitter. Among the crowd was Ann Arbor Observer writer James Leonard. Leonard stepped in to get the facts for an “issues based” piece he was planning to write about the dust-up between Stanton and Askins. Leonard had been riding high on the success of his most recent local politics piece published in The Observer—until he’d realized that he misidentified all of the candidates for office he’d interviewed, a minor error, but professionally irksome nonetheless.

Leonard, using an out-of-ink pen and the back of his hand began peppering Stanton and Askins with pithy questions:

“First question: Qui es mas macho? Ricardo Montalban or Mary Morgan?”

Stanton started to answer, but stopped when Morgan shot him “the look.”

Leonard went on, scribbling away with the enthusiasm of Rita Skeeter. “Who hates you? Who are your enemies? Who loves you, Pretty Baby? Thanks, guys. That’s all I need. I’ll email for clarification, if I need to, but probably not.”

Stanton, still clutching his car window decorated with the cemented on AP award, asked the officer if he was free to go. Askins, glasses still tangled in his beard, told the officer that he’d “be thinking seriously” about pressing charges. “No one wears wife-beaters in public anymore. It’s. A. Crime.” snapped Mary Morgan. With that, Askins walked over to where he’d parked his bike, only to find it had been “removed.” Likewise, Stanton found his car had been “removed.”

Both men immediately accused the other of the thefts, and began shuffling around in a tight circle, fists raised.

Just at that moment, someone drove by in Stanton’s car which had Askins’s bike folded into the trunk. The officer’s report, never filed because there is no crime in Ann Arbor, indicated that the driver of the car resembled First Ward Council candidate Eric Sturgis. In the backseat, the officer later swore she saw Sturgis supporters County Commish Leah “Gramma” Gunn, Joan “JoLo” Lowenstein and Mayor Pro Tem Pro Sempre Fi Marcia “Call Me Maybe” Higgins. Asked later after one his “classes” at Eastern Michigan University, Sturgis denied stealing the car and “really nice” bike, but explained that according to city ordinance, bikes parked carbside, and cars left in the street must be “removed.”

by P.D. Lesko

The word around town is that Second Ward City Council candidate Democrat Sally Hart Petersen is giving Second Ward incumbent Tony Derezinski a bit of political heartburn. Petersen’s base is growing, she’s got money, yard signs are popping up at a clip, and her marketing experience isn’t going to waste (“A Fresh Voice for Ward 2″). On Petersen’s campaign Facebook page, she revealed this tip on Saturday: “Be Nickel Wise When Parking in Downtown Ann Arbor: Did you know that a nickel buys you 3 minutes of parking, a dime only 4 minutes, and a quarter 12 minutes! Save your nickels if you plan to park downtown!!!”

Put another way, use nickels to pay to park and save a bundle. Use dimes, and it’ll cost you $3.00 to park for two hours in one of the surface lots at the going rate of $1.50 per hour. Use quarters and the same amount of time will cost $2.50. Use nickels to pay for 120 minutes of parking and you’ll pay $2.00, a savings of 33 percent.

After revealing that the uber-savvy business owners/members of the Downtown Development Authority Board can’t set staggered pricing to save their lives, Petersen was invited for a private tour of the new Fifth Avenue underground parking garage. DDA Board members Joan Lowenstein, not-soon-enough-for-many-Ward 1-residents to be replaced Council member Sandi Smith, John Hieftje, and County Commissioner Leah Gunn met Petersen in the basement of the underground structure.

JoLo started by crisply explaining that Petersen, a “selfish Republican,” had revealed the DDA Board’s most closely-kept secret—members prefer to quarter and dime city residents to death to pay for parking-related expenses such as the solar parking kiosks “everyone loves.” Leah Gunn immediately endorsed Petersen for City Council and despite frenzied hand gestures from County Commissioner Barbara Levin Bergman, who happened to be walking by in search of her office at the County Building on Main Street, offered Lowenstein’s endorsement, as well as Hieftje’s. Ms. Gunn was in the middle of explaining that an endorsement from Rep. John Dingell would be forthcoming when Sandi Smith cleared her throat and reminded the not-too-soon enough to be retired Washtenaw County Commish that Sally Petersen was running against Tony Derezinski.

Gunn fell silent, not sure what to do in light of the fact that there was no one nearby to endorse for locally-elected office.

Hieftje smiled and reminded Petersen that Third Ward Ann Arbor City Council member Christopher Taylor had submitted a soon-to-be-posted op-ed to AnnArbor.com in which he explains that nickels are not legal tender in Ann Arbor. Hieftje urged Petersen to stop misleading the public, and reminded her that while crime in Ann Arbor is down to zero in every category, except telling fibs, her safety simply couldn’t be assured. As Gunn, Smith and Lowenstein nodded in unison, Hieftje slipped Petersen a note. In it he asked her to reconsider her position on the use of Fuller Road park land for what he hopes will be an inter-galactic station of some sort funded, as Fourth Ward Council member Margie Teall claims on her campaign web site, with a combination of sexual favors, and Monopoly Money from the state and federal coffers.

It was several hours later, in the early evening, that Sally Hart Petersen was found sleeping against a wall in the basement of the new Fifth Avenue parking structure, a roll of nickels clutched tightly in her left hand. Police, who had been called by Barbara Levin Bergman several hours earlier on her way to Saline, still in search of the County Building on Main Street in Ann Arbor, arrived  just in time to help a groggy Petersen back to her car. Sally Petersen told the officer that she’d simply dozed off while Sandi Smith was talking. The officer nodded knowingly. The last thing Petersen said she could remember was Lowenstein, Gunn and Hieftje going through her purse. There were, she reported, three rolls of nickels missing.

by Kathryn A. Higgins

Before avarice and evil overtook the world in the 2008 economic meltdown it was considered bad form for an able-bodied man or woman to beg. Unless you were clearly old, diseased, or had that air of tragic incurable addiction, people would think, “Get a job,” and pass you by. This is no longer the case. Many of  the “99%” that the Occupy Wall Street protestors talk about are very capable and able young people who are taking to the streets to pay off their student loans and survive, since there are no opportunities for white collar, blue collar, or pink collar workers in our present economy. You can even wear a suit and beg successfully if you learn how to do it right. Here’s how:

People prefer a passive beggar. Now matter how genial or affable or goodlooking you are, do not walk right up to people with an empty cup. Many of those new to the begging profession make this fatal error. Sensible sidewalkers will avert their eyes and may even run away when accosted by a bum with a cup. Why? Because you could be any urban lunatic and everyone knows you should not allow yourself to be inveigled into a conversation with an urban lunatic.

Location Location Location. ”I just need to find a spot that’s well-traveled, not too upscale, not too squalid,” said Ian Vandersnooten*, a young professional beggar we found on West 58th Street in New York City last Sunday. “You have to calculate just the right mix of pathetic and grubby, so people think ‘If not for the grace of God’ and all that. They have to be able to imagine themselves where you are. Which isn’t so hard for people to imagine lately. Anyway, I sit against the wall with my cup out and a little sign that says ‘please help.’ Yes, just like that with the lower case letters — very humble and wretched. I’m out of the way but at the same time unavoidable.”

At this point in our conversation, Vandersnooten humbly accepted a dollar bill from a passing tourist. “Thank you,” he said. And then to us: “This is very important: I don’t allow myself to meet eyes with people until after they’ve contributed. Then it’s important to say a polite ‘thank you,’ but you shouldn’t slobber with gratitude or anything like that. People don’t want to see that. You have to think about your repeat customer.”

Vanderslooten looked like a beggar, even though he was wearing a suit. “I always wear a suit,” he said. “Just don’t get it cleaned for a while. Nothing says failure like a man in a grubby suit.”

Another mistake the nouveau poor make is the attempt to shake hands. Once you abandon your glad-handing sales or administrative or teaching or supervisory job to take up begging, you are no longer in a profession where handshaking is valued or desired. Especially since, to keep up appearances, your hand and the rest of you will have that veneer of greasy grime necessary for your profession. People do not want to come into contact with the grime, or any possible open or suppurating sores, or any tuberculosis or AIDS germs or just any residue of failure and desperation.

Your most important tool is a tatty paper or Styrofoam coffee cup — preferably a generic brand. This is absolutely necessary. As in the handshake, above, people do not want to touch you. They will avoid accidental contact through placing money in your hand. The paper cup makes it easier for everyone by eliminating embarrassment and the possibility of contamination. But, remember to use a generic cup — something pretty cheesy. Studies I’ve imagined show that people will not put money into a Starbucks coffee cup, because they do not want to think they are paying for your premium coffee habit.

Even the side of the freeway can be a successful spot for begging nowadays. Polls* indicate that 80% of people who see someone begging on the side of a freeway think “Damn, that guy must be really hard-up to be begging on the side of a freeway!” and if traffic is stopped long enough they will hand over whatever bill comes first out of their wallets. Begging on a major highway is risky, but those risks can pay off.

Location again. When begging from passing cars, it is best not to accost your customers, but rather hold up a sign and a cup and glance around woefully until someone waves a bill out their window.

Although many new beggars think that having a doe-eyed doggie or two hunkering mournfully at their side will boost business, surveys* have demonstrated just the opposite. Although most humans have a soft spot for domesticated creatures, many see a beggar’s dog(s) and start to ponder the expense of feeding it, clothing it in whatever tacky ensemble of pink spangled dog shirt & diaper you’ve chosen, plus medical expenses for the creature. Most customers then decide to direct their charitable dollars towards a beggar with a more compelling plight. (Survey responders didn’t say, but we knew they were thinking, “He could always eat his dog.”)

If you happen to be a parent, hopefully of a baby or submissive toddler, dress your child in a tatty grimy onesey, place it in a rickety old stroller, and encourage it to display the expression of wide-eyed listlessness that denotes hunger. Add a grubby pair of Mickey Mouse ears for extra pathos.  You will be the beggar to beat on your block.

If times have already grown grim for you, and you’ve found yourself living on the street in a cardboard refrigerator box, use this to your advantage. Those with cardboard houses on streets (especially streets with urine stains) can actually sleep while making money, their plight is so bleak. Simply place your cup and sign next to your cardboard bed, and go on with your life. Of course you will periodically need to collect your earnings (no direct-deposit in the begging business!).

* all surveys and polls conducted for this article are fictional. So are interviews. In fact, all empirical evidence for this article has been completely fabricated.

First posted to The Faster Times. Used here with permission.

John Hieftje sat down to an interview with AnnArbor.com’s “editorial board,” almost one year ago to talk about the city’s budget. The city’s CFO Tom Crawford tagged along, primarily to nod, as it is commonly known around City Hall that Crawford uses his fingers to count, and that certain staffers in the finance department do all the heavy lifting. Third Ward Council member Christopher Taylor also participated in the interview. Taylor, a member of the Burns Park Players, evidently thought it was a open call for actors. It wasn’t until after he’d finished a slightly modified rendition of the Elvis Presley classic “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With Me,” that the “editorial board” members asked Taylor to have a seat.

Taylor, an entertainment lawyer, is a self-proclaimed city finance expert. In an open letter to AnnArbor.com, Taylor explained to city residents that the city’s debt position was, actually, nothing to fret about—despite the fact that it had doubled.

It was later revealed that Taylor had understated the city’s total debt by $215,000,000 and that the debt had not doubled, but had quadrupled to close to half a billion dollars.

In the interview with AnnArbor.com, John Hieftje talked about cuts made to the city’s police and fire departments. Hieftje told AnnArbor.com that Ann Arbor residents had nothing to fret about with respect to cuts made to the fire department. He said: “We’re getting some pretty good opinions that our initial response times probably won’t be affected on the fire side.”

The “pretty good opinions,” it was later revealed by the AnnArborChronicle.com were coming from the executive directors of several local social service non-profits. AAChronicle revealed the executive directors, all of whom earn at least $80K per year, would give “pretty good opinions” on just about anything Hieftje told them to protect the money from the city to their organizations. AnnArborChronicle.com writer David Askins happened to be perched on a commode in the men’s washroom at City Hall and capitalized on an opportunity to “chronicle” a “closed-session meeting” between Hieftje and several unidentified executive directors about “pretty good opinions.”

Alas, a $54,000 December 2011 report on the city’s fire services done by consulting firm International City/County Management Association found that: “The department fails to meet national standards for response times,” and that there is “a significant fire problem within the city.”

In the April 2011 interview, Hieftje also told the “editorial board”: “We’ve been pretty comfortable in reducing police numbers,” he said, pointing out crime is going down and the University of Michigan now has 54 of its own officers. And we’re studying the fire side, looking very intently at it. So we’re pretty comfortable with what we’re doing.”

A2Politico decided to ask Hieftje to revisit his April 2011 comments in light of 82 break-ins in the first 49 days of 2012, a string of unsolved serial rapes and the sudden resignation of Police Chief Barnett Jones. Hieftje spoke to A2Politico by phone from his vacation home in Northern Michigan where he lives smugly off the grid.

A2P: Let’s begin by talking about crime in Ann Arbor. Chief Jones told 150 city residents in a recent meeting that there have been 82 break-ins and home invasions in the first 48 days of 2012, up from 49 break-ins and home invasions over the past two years. Under your administration the city has reduced the number of police officers from 241 to 121. Do you think there might be a connection?

Hieftje: No connection. Not at all. 82 break-ins? Not at my house. You know, Downtown Development Authority (DDA) Board member Joan Lowenstein said it best in that essay she wrote. That crime stuff is just all the old, Republican, conservative naysayers in Ann Arbor talking. It’s Newcombe Clark all over again. [In 2010 at a candidate debate, it was reported that Hieftje angrily told Downtown Development Authority Board member Newcombe Clark, who was running for City Council, "You're trying to scare people." Hieftje played down Clark's comments on recent robberies and concerns about other crimes as "political rhetoric."]

A2P: Chief Barnett Jones also recently talked about the serial rapist who hasn’t been caught. He said: “We’re still living this case. We’re still living this case because this is someone who brought fear to our community, more fear to our community than I experienced in this community in the last six years.” Again, might there be a connection between cuts made to police staffing and the ability of the AAPD to check out the hundreds of tips called in and investigate the rapes?

Hieftje: No connection. Not at all. Serial rapes? Not at my house. Listen, I’ve consulted with Chief Barnott Jaynes very closely on these serial rapes. Let’s talk fear. Council member Jane Lumm scares me to death. Not that I think Jane has anything to do with crime in Ann Arbor. I hope not. Single-stream recycling. Listen, Ann Arbor is America’s best cities for singles. I don’t have all the facts and figures, but some of those singles need to walk around in groups after dark.

A2P: The Fifth Avenue underground parking garage….

Hieftje: Let me say that I never supported that project, never voted for it, never thought building another underground parking garage was the right thing for Ann Arbor….Wait is this Ryan Stanton from AnnArbor.com? It’s not, is it? Let me circle back and rephrase my last comments. I may have, ahem, indeed voted in support of that project under duress. I was being pressured by certain people in the community and on Council. Have you seen [First Ward Council member and DDA Board member] Sandi Smith when she gets ticked off? She’s almost as scary as Jane Lumm. However, I came to see that we had no other choice but to spend that $50 million we didn’t have on a garage we didn’t need. Otherwise, the Circuit Court judges would have had nowhere to go. Wait. That’s why we built the new city hall we couldn’t afford and didn’t need. Bike paths.

A2P: What I was going to ask is that with the rise in crime and with a serial rapist on the loose do you think it might discourage women from using the new underground garage when it opens?

Hieftje: Oh. No, women have nothing to worry about. Again, Chief Joiynes and I consult regularly on the fact that the increase in rapes, assaults, break-in and home invasions in Ann Arbor is nothing for anyone to worry about. Newcombe Clark and the old, conservative Republican naysayers who live here now are really just trying to scare people.

A2P: Residents often complain about having to wait for hours for officers to show up to crime scenes and car wrecks. The head of the patrol officers’ union said in July 2011: “Ten years ago, we used to catch people. Now we just don’t even have the staffing to set up a perimeter or bring in a K-9 unit — we’re so reactive now.” Shouldn’t residents in the city expect pro-active and as opposed to reactive policing? The cops are saying they don’t have enough officers to catch the bad guys and investigate the crimes.

Hieftje: I think one accident is too many, but as we look at all of the statistical evidence, accidents continues to go down in the city. Of course, there’s going to be peaks and valleys, and periods where things seem to be picking up a little bit. But when you sit down at year’s end, I think we’re going to arrive at another year where we see accidents down in the city. [A2P can't make this stuff up. This is a quote from Hizzoner.]

A2P: Chief Barnett Jones is retiring after six years. Fire Chief Dominick Lanza quit rather than makes cuts to the fire staffing he deemed too deep. This might lead one to conclude that the professionals see cuts made to safety department staffs not only unwise but downright dangerous. Lanza has said as much in comments from beyond he has posted to AnnArbor.com.

Hieftje: Over the past years, I’ve become extremely close to Burnett Jaynes. He has worked very hard keeping a straight face while telling the public that these cuts have had no impact on public safety. I told him he should try out with the Burns Park Players. He sings and dances around the truth better than Chris Taylor. All I can say is that with his $20,000 pension, along with the other ones he has from his previous jobs, I think he’ll be quite comfortable in his next position. I’m proud Ann Arbor taxpayers were able to help him out with that five-year-pension-vesting program.

by Pete Nicely

Far too rarely does the Republican Party get exactly what it deserves. It happened in 1964. It happened in 2008. And it’s going to happen, in a way, today in Florida.

Mitt Romney is the epitome of modern Republicanism in three ways: 1) He has no sincere beliefs except that he should be in power; 2) He goes to untenable extremes to appease the tax and religious fundamentalists who are pulling the party so far to the right it needs mirrors to watch movies; 3) He had no ability or willingness to empathize outside of his own experiences, even for his dog.

Just look at Mitt’s tortured flip-flopping on immigration to get a sense of how desperate he is to conform his views to his base. He even pretends to listen to Hank Williams, Jr. and Ted Nugent.

The fact that Romney was pro-choice when George W. Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” might trick some people into thinking he may one day become reasonable again. They’ll ignore the fact that he’s promised to defund Planned Parenthood and overturn Roe v. Wade (and may have the opportunity to do so) because exactly 10 years ago he was still running on the pro-choice credentials of his mother.

It’s fool’s logic. Here’s why:

The only way Mitt Romney could be more hated by the Tea Party is if his dad were born in Kenya. Because he wasn’t so there is a slight chance that they’ll ignore his Obamacare-creating, pro-choice, pro-gun control, tax/fee-raising record and vote for him in November.

If Europe self-destructs and the economy tanks, Mitt could be elected, despite a lack of enthusiasm from the base. If he does take the White House, he’ll be facing a Greater Depression along with unprecedented pressure to carry out the austerity he ran on. He won’t be able to carry out massive cuts without destroying his presidency. So what will he do to appease his base?

Culture war. He’ll take on the groups the bullies in the right always take on: gays, women who aren’t ready to have babies and unions. This will be his only hope of getting the GOP’s base to the polls in 2014 and avoiding a primary challenge in 2016.

Even my imagining this scenario makes Canada want to build a border fence…but it could happen. Fortunately what’s more likely is that as the economy improves, Mitt’s nomination will spark a near-civil war inside the Republican Party.

The non-reality-based Republicans will battle the Republicans who pretend to be non-reality-based.

At the Republican National Convention, Newt and Tea Partiers/Ron Paul supporters will embarrass the party like drunken husband at a baby shower. The GOP will win more seats than it deserves and the President will be reelected easily. The lesson for the GOP, as always, will be: we were too moderate. And further to the right, they will go, until eventually, I pray, they’ll lock themselves inside their gated communities for good.

I’ll be liveblogging the results of tonight GOP primary in Florida. Check back in through out the day to find out if the Republican Party gets what it deserves.

*****

1:21 p.m.

BREAKING: Mitt Romney could have lost the Florida GOP primary.

He won’t but he could of. Why? Mitt tried to cut kosher food for Medicaid patients in Massachusetts. He was stopped by his state legislature. But he tried. Gingrich using the story in robocalls but image if Mitt had to answer for this in the debates. Cutting kosher foods for the elderly is crazy unless his CPU runs on complaints.

Because of this late breaking development, I’m still calling the Florida GOP primary for Mitt Romney at 12:33 PM. But I’m predicting he’ll only win by 9 points.

Yes, Florida thinks Mitt Romney is the best man to cut their Medicare and deport their undocumented college students.

*****

2:49 p.m.

The narrative that Romney lacks integrity resonates because Mitt Romney doesn’t seem to be very smart. And he still got very rich somehow.

How can I say Mitt Romney isn’t very smart? Easy. He’s basically kept Newt’s campaign alive.

The joke about Gingrich is that he didn’t really want to be President and he was just running to up his book sales and his day rate. I don’t buy that. I’m sure Newt thinks he’s destined to lead the free world. Still, he was completely willing to lose if he was beaten in a way he perceived as fair. But Romney savaged Newt in Iowa. And it worked. He savaged him in South Carolina, too. And it didn’t work.

In Florida, Mitt had to be strong in the debates. But did he have to use every stump speech to personally attack Newt 30 seconds in? All he did was beg Newt to stay in to the convention, as he keeps saying he will. (Though maybe he doth protest a bit too much.) That’s good for Santorum whose corporate masters will let him stay in to keep Newt from enjoying a one-on-one race. (No, Ron Paul doesn’t count, though he’ll win quite a few delegates in the caucuses.) And it’s terrible for Mitt.

I can’t think of anyone who can get Newt to drop out if he doesn’t want to. The man is rich and commands his own chunk of the party no mater what the Bushes, Kochs or Murdochs say. And the only way to Newt’s heart is through his MASSIVE ego, which Mitt has desecrated like the wall outside a Veterinary hospital.

*****

3:48 p.m.

If Sarah Palin wanted to help Newt this week, she should have endorsed Romney.

*****

4:45 p.m.

Okay, calling Mitt dumb is dumb. There are smart people running these campaigns, somewhere.

The GOP won 2010 on Twitter and Facebook in a landslide. They’re aiming to do the same thing again this year. Check out this social media guerrilla warfare coming from Newt’s camp. You could even win a trip on Newt’s bus the “The Straight-Marriage Express.”

*****

5:45 p.m.

As we wait for the inevitable, Mitt winning tonight, there’s only one question: How mad will Newt be? By this, we’ll get a hint of what the month before Super Tuesday will be like. So a quick digression:

I spend a great deal of my life busting Republicans balls on Twitter, whether they have them or now.  Very rarely do I get extreme hostility and when I do, I just curl into the fetal position. After 45-50 seconds of that, I’m back calling out conservatives for trying to conserve all the wrong shit.

What have people been right about? When have I gone too far?

Comparing ex-crackheads to Republicans. Most ex-crackheads are too smart to vote Republican.

I felt a little bad when people were offended by my suggesting that Newt wanted he and Mitt both to call Nancy Reagan’s name. Whoever she went to would win. People didn’t like me comparing a woman to a dog, even if I was suggesting Newt was doing it.

My rule is, the more sensitive the target, the better the joke has to be. Being a progressive, I’m happy to conform to people sensitivities. But I’ve got try to make the joke. If it doesn’t work, I’ll just pretend I never said and refuse to apologize for it. Just like Mitt Romney.

*****

6:26 p.m.

ISSUE BREAK:

Can someone show me where in the Bible Jesus asks for more unplanned children?

The war on Planned Parenthood must a plot by the right to turn off any reasonable person to this Republican Party. This used to be a bi-partisan issue. Barry Goldwater was a champion of Planned Parenthood.

Now it’s just another wedge issue that the right can use to shame anyone who dares insist that government shouldn’t regulate a woman’s uterus.

****

6:44 p.m.

Wow. Exit polls have Mitt at 49%. If it’s that much of a landslide, Newt will have a hard time staying in.

****

7:15 p.m.

Big lesson of today’s primary: Negative ads work if you have two broken marriages and 15 years of lobbying for government spending.

****

7:35 p.m.

How convenient. Newt conceded before the polls closed. We can all go watch DVRed episodes of Project Runway: All Stars now.