by Betsy McMillin

I truly don’t know how to do justice to long-time Ann Arbor Public Schools teacher Rick Dekeon. Anyone who knows him knows exactly what I am talking about. He is by far one of the most amazing teachers you will ever come across, and I have hundreds of people who are nodding their heads in agreement. He has been the physical activity teacher at Northside Elementary School for 24 years and has also been a coach of soccer, hockey, baseball and gymnastics (to name a few), at all levels from Rec and Ed to travel. But that is the tip of the ice burg.

Rick Dekeon is an Ann Arbor native and Pioneer High School graduate who lives on the city’s west side. He holds a Bachelor’s degree in physical education and health from Eastern Michigan University with minors in marketing and biology. In 2008, he was named Elementary Teacher of the Year for the Michigan Association for Health, Physical Education, Recreation and Dance. The Ann Arbor Public Schools Board of Education awarded him a Celebration of Excellence Award in 2003.

On any given weekend you will find “Dekeon”—as he is known by so many students— meeting students of his (past and present), to run along with in a marathon or race.  You will find him at a try-out, a game, a scrimmage, tournament or race—often clicking away with his camera so that he can add pictures to his school website. He is so darned proud of all “his” kids. He is there to cheer them on, or be there for moral support, more often than not running alongside as he does so. He lets kids know “you matter to me and what you do matters to me. I am here to let you know how proud I am of you for doing your personal best.”

This is not a teacher who comes in, does his daily job then leaves. Rick Dekeon lives promoting physical activity for kids as well as positive body image, diet and self-esteem. Add to that Northside Pride. Any time you go to Northside, if you want to talk to Rick, take a number. He always has students milling about his office or the gym, waiting to share some snippet of their day with him. More often than not, a parent is waiting as well (or a few!) to find out how to help out on one of the many extra school activities or fundraisers Rick is in charge of, or to just share a story about their kid with him. He always finds the time for everybody and make everyone feel important.

Rick has many funny or inspiring pictures, comics and posters up around the gym and his office. One says: Don’t say “I can’t do it.” Say “I can’t do it right now.”

I believe that his is one of Rick’s main messages: you may not be able to do something right this minute, but with patience, hard work and perseverance, you will be able to.

I guess if I had to explain Rick to someone who didn’t know him, I would tell this story:

At the end of Ricks’ successful Northside Elementary School Cross Country Kids season (see explanation of program below), there is a final run. Kids walk away with medals, goody bags (another of Rick’s gifts: getting amazing sponsors!), snacks, sweaty bodies and the feeling of accomplishment. Their run is timed and a display clock shows finish times as they end the course. Music blares from speakers while kids enjoy the fruits of their labor and show off their medals.

Off in the distance, there is one boy still running. He is the last one, the only one, and behind by a huge margin. Not many people even notice him, as everyone wants to celebrate with Rick, circling around him, calling his name, and showing off their running time. For this last runner, finishing this race is a struggle at best. Physical activity doesn’t come easily to this student and he is often picked on for being overweight. But there he is, walking at times, but still going. And along side him is Rick Dekeon, talking him through it, encouraging him every step of the way. Letting him know that there will be no celebrating for Dekeon until this boy finishes. And finish he does, with a medal around his neck and the praise and recognition of one of the coolest teachers ever.

Sadly, my kids don’t go to Northside anymore, and no longer have the benefit of Rick’s teaching. I caught up with him and asked him a few questions.

A2Politico: You have a gift of making physical activity work for almost every kid. How do you do it?

Dekeon (the tall kid with ‘stache, left): Wow tough question… I haven’t ever considered it a gift but I suppose just make it fun! Think about it: what things do you or others do that don’t have a “fun” component to it? Otherwise why do it?? Also know my kids, talk to them and see what interests them. At Northside the students are allowed to make up activities. They have to have an objective, purpose and meaning to why it is being played. I also think that variety and freshness is important. I stay creative and mix up what we do. When I teach a lesson or do an activity I want my kids to know that these are things they can do for a lifetime! Regardless of their ability to do it.

A2Politico: Last week I wrote about the link between physical activity and higher academic performance, not to mention better self esteem and overall behavior. Do you see evidence to support this?

Dekeon: Yes! Definitely self-esteem and academic success. In PE we can take a subject and present it in a kinesthetic manner. This helps all of the students, but especially those that are kinesthetic (big muscle) or visual in their learning style. An example may be the difference between pushing and pulling. We do an activity that has pushing and pulling in it. By playing this activity, children learn how to distinguish between what a push is and what a pull is. This is a part of the classroom curriculum for first grade students and is in their science unit. Regarding overall behavior… I often, many times of the day in fact, get students who open the door and peek in or wander in on their way to somewhere else. I feel complimented by this because many of these kids are not good academically and the gym is a place where they feel safe, successful and are able to do well.

A2Politico: You have the unique ability to make every kid feel like you are their advocate and friend, yet you have their utmost respect and are seen as an authority figure. How do you make this balance work?

Dekeon: Well this one is pretty easy. Get to know them as a person. Find out what they like, get to know their personality. Are they timid, aggressive, outgoing, shy? Talk to them about concerns or interests. Form a relationship with them. I really like when the former Northsidians come back to visit. Either they have moved and are coming to see their old school, teachers and friends, or they are now in middle school. I also ask then about their outside pursuits and go see them play a sport or do a play etc. This allows them to know that I care about them as a person and I care about their pursuits. By knowing the kids I know what type of structure and how much is necessary for them, I also know which can take some “teasing” and humor and which can’t. If there was an issue I touch base with them the next day to see how they are doing and make sure they feel secure. Let let them know that I care about them.

A2Politico: Tell me a bit about your extremely successful programs Northside Cross Country Kids and Kid Rock Camp. How do you get kids to want to be involved?

Dekeon: Word of mouth! Kindergarten doesn’t usually get a flyer for CrossCountryKids. When a sibling or friend is doing it, a parent usually asks how their child can join. Then one or two other students join, and so on. Word starts to get around and we then get kindergarten children to participate. When we start, I see some of the children who aren’t involved and say “I didn’t see you at cross country today” and they usually respond “I’m not doing it…” and I then say “Why not???” This starts the ball rolling and I get a hold of the parents and they usually end up signing up. Having something for everyone and making it FUN! Changing routes, changing the club, adding things, timed mile, heart break hill, ten in twenty, etc. We have things that all children can do, again, for all abilities and not just making it an elite activity or program. We also put up a bulletin board and have the participants stand up at the end of the year assembly.

For KidsRockCamp,  we can only take seven students at a time and they learn how  climb/boulder for six weeks. They learn how to safety check and learn how to channel their fear of heights in a positive  way. This also is word of mouth and when the kids see the pictures outside my office they ask if they can do it. I currently have a wait list of about forty kids! We limit it to third through fifth grades.

A2Politico: In Phys Ed class, you have all sorts of silly names for stations, and amazing, creative games. How does this change the way kids see physical activity and gym class?

Dekeon: They know that almost everything can be a movement or activity. For example it isn’t a “traditional” activity or game like baseball or football, but has the same skills involved. So if a child has a fear or apprehension of doing a specific sport, this helps disguise the skill being presented, even though it may be one or several of the skills used in those activities. For example: we do an activity called Crazy Kickball. It still has base running, kicking, throwing, catching, etc. The difference is that it has silly rules such as: as many people as you want can be on a base at one time, everybody automatically has a turn to be the pitcher, you RUN forever (this disguises that you are running long distances). It has goal setting because the students set a goal on how many bases they can get to by the end of the activity. If we play Movement Tag they are doing a dance when they are frozen, and to get rescued someone else has to come by and copy their dance at the same time to unfreeze them. It just make it seem stress free and also FUN!

A2Politico: You are always asking kids to come up with new games that they invent, then with your approval, they teach it to a younger gym class. Why is this important and how do you see it help your students?

Dekeon: Leadership and accountability, for their own learning. While making up their activity or game they have to “invent” it from beginning to end.  Finding out what objective they want to teach, how to properly do and teach that objective, how safety concerns come into it, set-up, and also when they teach it they are in charge. I am of course next to them but some students freeze when they teach it and need to be given prompts or asked questions to help them break the ice especially while teaching other classes. It allows them to be the leader of the group, and also helps them start to learn how to speak in front of small or large groups.

A2Politico: You always have student teachers from EMU and UofM. They are all extremely lucky to learn under you. What are three things that you see as the most important things that you are sure to teach them?

Dekeon: Respect the students and their time, always be prepared, teach all of the students, not just the better athletes or better skilled individuals. I try to get them to think of how to teach the kids in a friendly non-intimidating or frightening environment.

A2Politico: What is the one thing that you wish all physical education teachers would teach their kids? The one thing you wish they didn’t?

Dekeon: Respect for all others, and perseverance! Not everything is always competitive but there is a time and place for competitiveness. Also, I do not like the sport model… not everybody is an athlete and not everybody needs to be an athlete, yet there is a place in everyone’s life to be able to lead an active healthy lifestyle.

Everyone is well aware of the extra hours you put in with kids, above and beyond what is expected of you.  Just about how many hours a week do you put into the physical education and betterment of kids? Don’t be modest Rick! I know it must be at least 90!

During the school year it is approximately A LOT! Let’s just go with the ninety hours that sounds about right!

A2Politico: If you had an unlimited budget to use for physical fitness, what would be some of the things you would do with it?

Dekeon: I would like to have more access to things like heart rate monitors. Maybe take a room in the school and make a fitness center for everyone, students, staff and parents. Maybe have a small track on the back playground, etc.

A2Politico: What is your advice to parents of kids who are in dire need of physical activity, but resist?

Dekeon: Make it fun and be their role model, take them with you when you walk the dog, plan a run or walk each night and have them join you, make statements like: “did we really just walk TWO miles???”  Take a class with them that encompasses fitness and or health, something like yoga or a fitness class. Just do active things as a family: toss and throw a football, do calisthenics , play catch, play on the swings or playground.

by Betsy McMillin

Any time you read about youth in America, you are bound to happen upon the obesity epidemic currently sweeping the nation. The overall health of our kids is at risk due to horrible diets, lack of exercise/active life styles, days filled with video games and computers as well as way too much television. As with certain parenting topics, I tend to not pay too much attention to this problem. My kids were born with genes from Dad making them all tall and slender. We have healthy diets, not too much screen time.

But skinny kids doesn’t always mean healthy kids. While children who are overweight do have more health risks, being skinny isn’t a ticket to complete health. I know being healthy means a lot more than body size, and I want healthy, successful kids.

So when I read in TIME magazine about the link between exercise and academics, I sat up and took notice. Yes, most of my kids are quite active, but not all six. I, like most parents, want to do what is best for my kids. I want to find out what is most important to them, what will prove to be the most influential aspects for them and help them make the most of their lives. While health and happiness is at the top, so is academics. When studies come out citing links to academic success, you can bet I pay heed.

While reading the TIME magazine article The Reason For Recess (January 16, 2012), I am drawn in and impressed by such claims as “physical activity can improve blood flow to the brain, fueling memory, attention and creativity, which are essential to learning” as well as “in a review of 14 studies that looked at physical activity and academic performance, investigators found that the more children moved, the better the better their grades were in school, particularly in the basic subjects of math, English and reading.”

This same article points out that students need 60 minutes a day to remain healthy, and only 18 percent of high school students meeting this, and 23 percent getting no exercise at all.

Sixty minutes a day. When you mention this to some educators, the first thing they will see is that that means 60 minutes away from traditional classroom academics. And therein lies a problem: not enough emphasis on the importance of exercise in the overall health and academic success of the students. I guess the schools need to have hard evidence to show them that their will be academic success and higher test scores due to exercise/active recess/gym class before they will implement any changes. The No Child Left Behind act did us all no favors by putting the almighty standard test score above everything else, phasing out gym, music and arts in order to fit in more “teach to the test” time.

This sixty minutes a day ties in nicely to the newer push by the NFL called “Play60,” a movement that targets childhood obesity and has a goal to get all kids active for 60 minutes a day. Check it out at www.nflrush.com/play60.

I then have to ask the question: does academic success really improve with physical exercise? Can the statistics sited above be true? Do we need to get physically healthy in order to compete on a national level academically?

Being a parent of six kids, whenever a study such as this comes out, I look at my own private McMillin study group. Granted, it isn’t the best study as far as numbers go, but I can’t help but play with the statistics anyway.

Of my six, the one who stands out as the most academic minded is, without a doubt, the most inactive. No organized sports, no hobbies or activities that fill her schedule with exercise or daily physical exertion. Sure, she gets out for a walk once in awhile or a bike ride, but nothing regular by a long shot. She has an inner drive to compete on an academic level, always has. It only increases as she gets older.

Of my two most active kids? The two that are going to sports practices and/or games three or more times a week? One does extremely well in school, one a bit above average.

And my least active? Just so happens she struggles in school.

Looking at my McMillin study group, I’m on the fence as to seeing the support suggesting one must be physically active in order to do better in school.

We do want active kids if for only health reasons alone. We all want academic success so much for our kids, and if we can pair it with a healthier lifestyle, double hooray! Multi-tasking! We want to be proud of our kids and how they can compete in the playing field of life. I found some heavy artillery for anyone doubting that exercise is a crucial part of academic success, starting with this, from “Exercise and Children’s Intelligence, Cognition, and Academic Achievement”: (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2748863/

The present review of research findings suggests that systematic exercise programs may actually enhance the development of specific types of mental processing known to be important for meeting challenges encountered both in academics and throughout the lifespan.

Also, from “Exercise Improves Kids’ Academics/Live Science”:
http://www.livescience.com/5249-exercise-improves-kids-academics.html

In his latest book, Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain (2008, Little, Brown), John Ratey, a Harvard clinical associate professor of psychiatry, argues for more physical fitness for students as a cure for not only their obesity but also their academic performance.

“I cannot underestimate how important regular exercise is in improving the function and performance of the brain.” Ratey writes. “Exercise stimulates our gray matter to produce Miracle-Gro for the brain.” That “Miracle-Gro” is a brain chemical called brain-derived neurotropic factor, or BDNF. When we exercise, our working muscles send chemicals into our bloodstream, including a protein known as IGF-1.

Once in the brain, IGF-1 orders the production of more BDNF. The additional BDNF helps new neurons and their connections grow. In addition, levels of other neurotransmitters are increased after a strenuous exercise session.

“Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine — all of these are elevated after exercise,” says Ratey. “So having a workout will help focus, calming down, and impulsivity.

This makes me think of all the kids I worked with (kids with autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, ADD, various learning disabilities) and kids I have known who, after getting frustrated or bored or confused, acted out in class. They then ended up out in the hall or worse yet, losing recess or a special (gym). That means that much needed boost in brain “Miracle-Gro” couldn’t happen. Kids who need more than anything to have any help or extra boost in focusing, calming down, being less impulsive aren’t getting it… are punished into not getting it.

The studies all sound promising, so I decided to play devils advocate and check out a few highly intelligent people and see how they ranked in the “physically active” department.

It was a daunting task, of everyone I looked up (after Googling “most intelligent people”), only Bill Gates mentioned playing sports as a child. His dad insisted he do it. While he hated it, he said it taught him so many important things such as leadership skills and sticking it out even when you hate what you’re doing.

Everyone else (people with highest IQs) I looked up seemed to have been spending much of childhood immersed in math, sciences, and “tinkering.” Kim Ung Yonga? Too busy working for NASA at age eight to partake in a good ole baseball game.

All our kids can benefit from the incredible positive attributes of being physically active. And if school can’t meet or fill this need, it is completely up to us to see it through. Sixty minutes a day may sound like a lot (especially if your child isn’t in an organized sport), but think about how much time your kids spend on the computer, video games, ipod touch, iphone or television (or God forbid, all combined??). How much time do they spend in the car every day?

And what about those kids who just aren’t into sports or anything incredibly physical? I know, I have a couple of these kids. So I do my best to find something (anything) they like that can fill those 60 minutes. Bike riding? Dancing? Swimming? Playing a fun game of tag or obstacle course in the yard? You may have to be creative, organized sports aren’t for everyone, but being active is. Apparently, our kids health and possibly their academic success depend on it.

Still not sure? Consider this from an NPR interview with Dr. Antronete Yancey (Director, Center to Eliminate Health Disparities):

Kids pay better attention to their subjects when they’ve been active. Kids are less likely to be disruptive in terms of their classroom behavior when they’re active. Kids feel better about themselves, have higher self-esteem, less depression, less anxiety – all of those things can impair academic performance and attentiveness.

I’ll buy into for the better self-esteem alone.

• While the jury may still be out on this subject, there are a few hard facts:
• We as a nation are falling behind in the educating of our children.
• We as a nation are facing obesity concerns and multiple health issues with our children.

If the studies are incorrect and there is no link to overall health and fitness and academic success, but we push for more physical health, we will at least help address one of our problems.

If they are correct and there is a link? We deal with two problems at the same time.

Does this mean I am going to sign up my daughter (who excels in school but falls behind in the sports/activity department) for a spring sport? No, the only reason she would sign up for a sport is to beef up her upcoming college application. I know she is secure with who she is, does well in school and is not physically unfit. I will urge her to get out and a bit more, just for sanity and fresh air.

My daughter who struggles in school? She starts a new sport in a week or so.

You know, just to cover the bases.

Need a few ideas to work sixty minutes into your childs’ daily routine? Here is a list of nine ways to incorporate activity into your child’s day:
http://www.raisesmartkid.com/3-to-6-years-old/4-articles/35-the-benefits-of-exercise-on-your-kids-brain

by Betsy McMillin

If you had told me, in the first twelve years as a parent, that I would be one to partake in the Family Bed (a.k.a. co-sleeping), I would have flatly said that you were without a doubt wrong, wrong, wrong.

I remember hearing at that same time about an acquaintance with twin girls who, as a family, slept together even as the girls were well into their fifth year. I found the thought unsettling. Quite weird even. Kids belong in their own beds, parents in theirs. But I went with my usual parenting mantra of  “whatever works for you, but it sure doesn’t for me!”

That was fifteen years ago and co-sleeping wasn’t as popular or accepted as it is today. At least, you didn’t see as many studies or articles on the topic. Of those that you did see, most fell under the umbrella of alternative (i.e. lax, hippy-dippy, commune-type) parenting styles.

Today, many more parents are finding themselves falling into the pro-co-sleeping camp, yet there are still many studies and advice suggesting it isn’t a healthy or safe alternative. Parents choosing to co-sleep, yet not freely or proudly telling anyone.
As with any topic on parenting, one only needs to do a quick search and a bit of reading to find studies and numbers to support what they believe in.

Case in point:

According to a report by the Centers for Disease Control, (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/123/2/533.abstract):
Infant mortality rates attributable to accidental suffocation and strangulation in bed have quadrupled since 1984. The reason for this increase is unknown. Prevention efforts should target those at highest risk and focus on helping parents and caregivers provide safer sleep environments.

To strengthen that argument, look at this controversial (read: a bit insane) picture ad which shows a baby in bed with a butcher knife (gasp!! really????) from the Health Department of Milwaukee:
http://city.milwaukee.gov/Safe-Sleep-for-baby

Counter all that with:

The Chicago Infant Mortality Study reveals that Breastfeeding Infants have 1/5th the Rate of SIDS. They report a nearly doubled SIDS rate for co-sleeping, but this study does not remove the powerful effect of smoking parents from their statistic. When other studies remove this behavior, they find the remaining infants enjoy a greatly lower rate of SIDS for co-sleeping versus isolated crib sleeping.There are two kinds of co-sleeping, that conscious decision made by highly attentive parents, and that coming from factors such as fatigue from partying or drinking. When sofa sleeping and wedging dangers are also removed, the family bed shines as safest.

And let’s not discount the opinions of other countries and cultures. As we saw with Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and now Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bebe from France, different cultures have widely differing opinions on how to raise children and what works best. Should one want to strengthen their argument and find studies to support their choice on any topic, all they need to do is look for studies from other countries. Google and you will find.

From naturalchild.org (www.naturalchild.org/guest/tami_breazeale.html):

Anthropological evidence of co-sleeping societies is abundant. In reviews of literature on co-sleeping societies Thevenin (1987) and Lozoff and Brittenham (1979) noted classic studies which included nearly 200 cultures, all of which practiced mother-infant co-sleeping even if in some cultures the sleeping location of the father was separate. Examples of cultures included in the studies were the Japanese, the Korean, the Phillipino, the Eskimo Indian, the !Kung San of Africa, and the natives of Okinowa (Lozoff &  Brittenham, 1979; Thevenin, 1987). The description of the Okinowan Indian culture included observations both of parent-child co-sleeping until the age of six and unrestricted breastfeeding, as well as of characteristics of adult behavior that are very consistent with secure attachment histories (Thevenin, 1987). Co-sleeping is the cultural norm for approximately 90% of the world’s population (Young, 1998).

I went by the rules. I was comfortable with for my first five kids: newborn in a bassinet by my bed until about three to five months (depending on how well they slept and how often they nursed in the night). Then into the crib in their own room, or a shared room with siblings. Transitioned out of a crib between two- and three-years-old into a toddler bed or “big kid” bed. Very clean, simple, obvious—not to mention, what the majority of child rearing books advocated (then and now), as well as the AAP (American Association of Pediatrics).

This was the way to go for our family, and it was the right choice at the time. It was what I wanted and believed in, and I still understand the value of this way of child rearing. I loved tucking a toddler into their own bed, reading a story or two, snuggling a bit then tip-toeing out of the room. Ah, silent “me time.” I loved nursing a drowsy baby to sleep and then carefully laying her/him down in a cozy crib. I also loved having a few hours with my husband. I knew it was a crucial part of their development (and my sanity): being independent and falling asleep on their own.

So now, here I am, fifteen years later, taking part in a completely opposite style of parenting on this issue. It is not a choice I purposely made, but one that snuck up on me, quite literally, in the middle of the night. It started with the convenience of nursing a baby in my bed, then enjoying better sleep for me since she slept better right with me. Then, there was opposition as I tried to put her in a crib. No can do, and therefore less sleeping for me. So in our bed she stayed. And stayed. And stayed. I had no idea how much I would enjoy this new, quite different, style. It didn’t take long for me to figure out or understand why I flip-flopped on the co-sleeping issue, which leads to yet another Parent Trap Confession: This is my last baby, and I am holding on to her and my fleeting moments of mothering a toddler. Holding on fiercely, somewhat afraid of what happens when I no longer have little ones to snuggle, someone to do so many little and big things for, to laugh with in that silly three-year-old way, and to love on as only a mother can love on a small child. I have older kids, so as much as I know they need me in so many other ways (emotionally and physically) and I can love on them endlessly, it is without a doubt, different. So I pull her in close at night and soak up as much of her, of motherhood, as I can.

Does it mean I loved and snuggled my first baby any less than my last? No, but maybe in a different way. With first (or only) children, parents are loving the quiet snuggles yet at the same time constantly looking ahead to what happens next. What exciting new skill will be learned/mastered? What fun new experiences will be discovered? With subsequent children, there is a tendency to slow down, to enjoy the moment, or in my case, to try to put the brakes on and hold everything as long as possible. There is also the tendency to change rules a bit and loosen up somewhat. To be more comfortable in our role and trust our gut.

I have a good friend who did not practice co-sleeping with her children, yet her youngest was a frequent flyer in the parental bed. Now, at age eleven, when it is bedtime, she’ll grab her Kindle, come into her parents room and plop down between mom and dad for some quality reading time before falling asleep. On occasion this is great, and very sweet especially as they are reaching those difficult “I want little to do with my parents” tween/teen phase. But some nights it is an inconvenience. And that is where I see co-sleeping to be not such a great idea. Something that is cozy, and sweet and comforting becomes something of an inconvenience for the parents. There are many nights when I don’t want her in my bed. I want her to fall asleep in another room, not follow me everywhere as I do my mandatory 76 nighttime things, saying “Mumma! Put your jammies on! I want to go to bed and nuggle!” There are many nights I do not want her between my husband and me (pretty much every night for him). So until I make a clear break with her, this is difficult.

So, how to decide, when you can’t trust your gut? We can turn to our trusted friends, other parents or good ole Google.

It comes down to one question, a question that we need to answer on a daily basis: What, do you, as a parent, want to do in this situation? Sometimes the answer falls under “it is not what I want to do, as much as what I need to do”. Tough call to make many times, difficult one to answer to, especially when the want is warm little toddler who wraps her arms around my neck in her sleep, reaches out to me throughout the night. And the need is a child who needs to be a bit more independent.

I know the need is coming. But for now I will stick with the want: what I want, what she wants, and maybe what we both need right at this moment.

I’ll look to Dr. Sears and his sage advice:

An infant and mother sleeping side by side share lots of interactions that are safe and healthy.
A mindset more than a place to sleep.

Sharing sleep involves more than a decision about where your baby sleeps. It is a mindset, one in which parents are flexible enough to shift nighttime parenting styles as circumstances change. Every family goes through nocturnal juggling acts at different stages of children’s development. Sharing sleep reflects an attitude of acceptance of your baby as a little person with big needs. Your infant trusts that you, his parents, will continually be available during the night, as you are during the day. Sharing sleep in our culture also requires that you trust your intuition about parenting your individual baby instead of unquestionably accepting the norms of American society. Accepting and respecting your baby’s needs can help you recognize that you are not spoiling your baby or letting him manipulate you when you welcome him into your bed.

If you are considering co-sleeping and think it may work well for you, check out the entire article from Dr. Sears (www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes), it is loaded with helpful info as well as a tidy list with explanations of seven benefits of co-sleeping, both medical and developmental.

Also, pay heed to the following list of suggestions on how to achieve safer co-sleeping from: http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/sleep/cosleeping.html#

I must interject regarding the above site. One safety suggestion is:

* Don’t use pillows, comforters, quilts, and other soft or plush items on the bed. Consider using a sleeper instead of blankets.

How does one expect to sleep in a bed with no pillows, comforters, soft anything?? Are WE supposed to sleep in sleepers as well??? I envision a family all in one bed, stiffly sleeping on their backs, all in footy jammies. Crazy!

If I were to have another baby (ah, if only I were ten years younger!), which sleeping style would I choose, knowing the personal benefits and downfalls of each? Today, right now, as my three-year-old is by my side, professing her love for me (ah, sweet toddlers) I would choose co-sleeping, hands down. Tonight, when I want to hang with my husband, watch a late movie with my 15-year-old, or just read in bed alone while sipping tea?

I may just give you another answer.

by Kristina Lakes

I will admit that I avoided looking at what was happening at first.  I am a positive, hopeful, can-do type of person. After the pediatrician prescribed a second round of antibiotics for my son who had strep throat, I didn’t worry, I just bought more vitamins. For extra insurance, I made him take the pills with orange juice.

Still, my son didn’t get well. His strep throat turned into pneumonia. So I battened down the hatches. And inside the hatches, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I bought bleach and Lysol and hand sanitizer. I even washed doorknobs—to be honest, maybe for the first time ever. I mean, sure, I’ve wiped them down before (right before company came), but this time, I got out the Clorox and washed them with hot water and a toothbrush for the crevices.

I tried to keep on keeping on, as the saying goes. I went to work each day, but I got there a little late, and I left a little early. I called doctors during my lunch half-hour. Do doctors ever listen to their answering services? Our pediatrician’s muzak is a scratchy, hideously repetitive mess of sound. The voice that instructs each caller seems to belong to a condescending matriarch who, after five minutes, invites you to leave a message. I would like to leave a message after one minute, thank you. I would like to meet this bitch. I would like to slap her.

I tried hiring my son’s former babysitter to care for him while I was at work. But she was watching younger children now, and they took naps. Would he take a nap? Something in her voice told me that she really didn’t want to watch an 11-year-old.

So I took my son to work with me a couple of times, letting him hide out in my office or in the cafeteria. The co-workers who came upon him were very nice. They greeted us with a raised eyebrow, feigned interest in his Power Rangers, and a little co-conspirator hug for me. Five minutes later, an e-mail would pop on my screen, expressing their concern and offering to do anything. “Anything at all.”

But I could handle it. I multi-tasked. I graded papers in doctors’ offices. I drove too fast to work and too fast home. I began to contract-out my life. I asked the neighbor girl to walk the dogs. I took clothes to the drycleaners, just so I didn’t have to iron them. And I hired a housecleaner. You would think that would be a relief. I had dreamed of a housekeeper for a long time. But instead of luxuriating in the smell of Pine-Sol at the end of the day, in my nice, clean house, I found myself annoyed. When she dusted, she often moved things. And the furniture legs were getting nicked. At least it was clean where it showed, right? But I was mad.

To be honest, I was mad with everyone, even people I had previously seen as my allies, including my son’s teachers. At first I had kept in close contact with them. As a teacher myself, I know the importance of regular communication while a student is out sick. So I wrote e-mails, called during their planning periods, and stopped by the school to pick up his work.

But one teacher was my undoing. She wrote, “He still hasn’t turned in the blue packet. I sent it home before Christmas.” A week later she wrote, “The blue packet needs to be turned in as soon as possible.” I had looked everywhere. I couldn’t just ask her for another one. That would mean that I was unorganized, that maybe I wasn’t handling it. Finally, the teacher sent home the report card that held his first C ever, with a note, “I am STILL expecting the blue packet.” Damn those capital letters.

I didn’t care about the blue packet. I cared about my son, who was sleeping too much, sometimes 16 hours a day. I cared about what he was eating, how many times he had or hadn’t peed that day, his pale skin, his chapped lips, his ankles that had disappeared into swollen blobs, and his fingers that no longer could even put together his beloved Legos. I cared that after my husband and I moved his mattress onto the floor of our room, we found out that he gasped every single time he turned over.

The pneumonia had triggered a severe infection which was ravaging his whole body. On the way home from the hospital after treatment for a septic elbow joint, my son asked me to buy him bigger pj’s so they would be easier for him to get on. While I was there, I bought myself some more sweatpants, even though I had stopped working out long ago. One size larger.

A week later, I noticed that my son’s walk had become slower. My husband made a call, to his supervisor, asking to be switched to the night shift, so he could be home with our son during the day. It didn’t matter that we wouldn’t see each other. And it certainly didn’t matter that we wouldn’t be sleeping with each other.

I stopped curling my hair. I bought barrettes.

Still, I kept going. Spring was coming. Things would get better then. I wrote thank you letters for the Christmas presents. So they were a little late? Everyone would understand. I bought spring bulbs to force in clay pots on the kitchen windowsill. So they were a little late. Maybe Mother Nature would understand.

My sister, a nurse, urged me to fill out the paperwork for the Family Medical Leave Act. A few of my coworkers encouraged me to file it too, confiding at lunch that they were actually jealous that I could get so much time off.

But as I considered it later in my office, it seemed like a solemn, final edict. Your family is in crisis. You have an emergency. You are leaving the career you love. You are going to become… a fulltime caregiver in big sweatpants.

But there was no denying that my son was clearly getting worse. He had developed arthritis, which had been triggered by the strep or pneumonia. These weren’t just stiff joints, this was can’t-hold-a-water-glass arthritis. The pediatrician recommended that we take our son to a specialist in rheumatology at a large, metropolitan hospital. Since we had to wait two weeks (two weeks!) to get in, I spent extraordinary amounts of time on WebMD every night, desperately searching for answers.

Blurry-eyed and tired, I still dragged myself to work every day. After all, I am a professional.

Then, yesterday, my son called me. “I am hungry, tired, scared, and sore,” he cried.

It was a mother’s worst nightmare. “Where’s Daddy?” I asked.

“He’s asleep. I don’t want him. I just want you.”Of course. Every child wants his mommy when he’s sick. Heck, I still want my mommy when I’m sick.I sighed. (A good mother wouldn’t have sighed. But I did.) There were so many pieces of paper on my desk. So many projects that needed my attention. So many proposals to write, evaluations to do, and there were even some letters of recognition for me in the piles. I was good at my job. I had worked hard to get to this place. But I was spending less and less time in this place every day. I wasn’t happy here any longer. My family needed me more than I needed this job.

So I left. I wrote a hastily-scribbled note and left it on my door. “Gone home. Child sick. Will be back!”

The exclamation point wasn’t very professional, but I’m perky too, much to my chagrin. And I really wanted to believe that I would be back.

I drove home with shaking hands, going 70 m.p.h. in a 55 m.p.h. known speed-trap. (You think you know what’s going to happen, don’t you?) A red car was in the left lane. I turned on my brights, but she still wouldn’t move over. I tailed her for a mile. I honked—twice. Finally I swerved to the right, about to go around her, but the car in that lane slowed, and I slammed on the brakes.

There was no screeching, there was no glass. There were no cops, no ambulances, no tears. But next time, there would be. And I knew it.

When I got home, I settled my son into bed. I knew what would make him feel better. I went in his room and found his old stuffed animal that he had when he was younger, a duck named Alfie. Wouldn’t you know it, that damn blue packet was under Alfie. Probably the housekeeper had put it there.

I rifled through it. This is what all the fuss what about? Shoot, it was just a bunch of worksheets about the solar system. James had learned these concepts long ago. “The earth rotates around the _______. The earth spins and ______________. The earth is tilted slightly upon its __________.” Somehow I had forgotten that last, little fact from fifth grade science.

I imagined the Earth there, hanging in space, leaning crazily, but steadily, slowly making her way around the universe. And the moon revolved around her, in idolatry, oblivious to her precarious state. She was still dependable enough that clocks were set by her, and calendars were charted by her.

I grabbed Alfie and took him into my room. Both my husband and my boy were snoring. I tucked Alfie in with James. He stirred and smiled. “Thanks, Mom,” he said simply and closed his eyes again.

I walked slowly out to the pristine living room and picked up my computer. Once I navigated to my job’s website, I scrolled past new mandates, numerous requests for committee work, and descriptions of new initiatives. I finally found the Human Resources site, and I filled out the paperwork online. “Is this a Family Emergency Leave?” I read.

I clicked yes.

by Darla Carmichael

I was going through my facebook photo albums yesterday, reminiscing about when my five-year-old was still a baby/toddler. There are no pictures from the hospital when he was born and only a couple quick, fuzzy snap shots from the subsequent year that was such a mix of turmoil and chaos for us. But, slowly, there are more and more pictures. From him spinning around on a stool at Waffle House to him running circles around me at the wave pool one summer to the pictures of him in the hospital hooked up to IV’s before his surgery to correct an infected lymph node.

Those are perhaps the hardest ones for me to look at. I felt so helpless as he sat in the hospital bed, playing listlessly with Thomas the Train. For a week and a half they pumped him full of antibiotics as the lump on his neck grew to the size of a softball. I sat, lay and paced in his hospital room – in isolation on the children’s oncology floor, since they had no idea what was causing the growth. I refused to leave the room, not that there were any other options. It was just me and the kid.

My parents had agreed to take him to the doctor for me while I was at work, early on the day he got admitted. I just thought he had the flu. It was no big deal. Just a little fever.

I was just leaving work to come get him, when my mom called me in a panic. They were rushing him to the children’s hospital nearby. The doctor had almost called an ambulance to get him there quickly, but the kid was scared enough as it was. I met them at the ER, where the kid was immediately rushed back.

That was the point that I called my ex-mother in law and my ex-husband. It was shortly before we broke off all contact, but it was still a very rocky relationship at that point. They came up briefly, not really understanding what the big deal was. They promised to come back the next day and bring food and clothes for me, but I didn’t see them after that until the kiddo was released from the hospital.

My parents came up a couple times, but only stayed long enough for me to take a quick shower in the hospital room’s kid-size shower and then promptly left. I tried not to cry. I tried not to worry. But, as the growth on his neck grew and grew, I worried. His fever just kept climbing and it was a constant battle to keep the monitors and IV in. Even with how sick he was, he was still trying to do the occasional cartwheel off the bed and trying to make me laugh.

On the fourth day, I noticed that the floor was soaking wet. The IV antibiotics were leaking everywhere and had been for quite a while. It took them another day and half to finally replace the line. But, at that point, a nurse came in and told us we were going home. I was shocked. I never thought I would do this, but I fought hard for my son to stay in the hospital. The antibiotics were not working and the lump was continuing to grow.

Finally, a surgeon walked in – a week after he had been admitted.  Within an hour, the kid was prepped for surgery. I tried to distract myself by reading, but ended up pacing back and forth waiting. I never thought my son, at 2 ½-years-old, would be going through anything like this. But, no one ever does.

He came out of surgery fine. His lymph node had been cleaned out and he had packing inside that hung out like a straggling shoelace from an opening in his neck. The next day, as he still recovered, one of my bosses stopped by the hospital with a care package. I hadn’t eaten more than a few bites in the last week, so the bags of apples, oranges, sandwiches and all sorts of goodies I was truly grateful for. When the boss walked in – this staunch, reserved man leaned over and gave me a hug as I sat utterly deflated in the rocking chair next to the bed. He looked around shocked, expecting to see me surrounded by family and friends – but we were completely alone. At that point, he said something that struck me, “I thought you were just being the worried, overly-concerned mother. I had no idea… that things were like… this.”

In this moment, I think my boss saw more of what my life was than either of us had expected. It was just me and the kid, taking care of each other. Neither me nor the kid had anyone, except one another. And, right then, things were bad.

The kid got out the hospital a couple days later – only to immediately have to go back when, in a fit of itchiness, he pulled his stitches, the packing, and his entire incision open within minutes of getting to our house. He got fixed up and we stayed at home for another week – recovering.

Things could have been a lot worse. I’m still getting calls from bill collectors for the hospital. He still occasionally scratches at the little scar on his neck. But, all in all, we were ok. And, we can get through anything.

Yesterday, a woman in my office made an off-hand comment about how she understood how hard it is to be a single mom since her husband was out of town for a few days. I held back from yelling, and just remembered – no, it’s moments like this with my son in the hospital and knowing that it’s the two of you against the world and propping each other up, that really are what it means to be a single mom in this world.